REASONS I'VE SPENT THE NIGHT IN THE COUNTY JAIL
I'm a bit of what you might call a "bad seed." I raise so much hell in this town that the mayor has no choice, but to throw me in prison.
- •Identity TheftMy friend was sad about his dad being away on business all the time so I decided to dress up in a suit and got a mask and pretended to be this kid's father. It seemed to cheer my friend up, but the real father wasn't amused. He pressed charges and I landed in prison as soon as he got back from his business trip.
- •Scorecard FraudI had the biggest mini golf game of my career a couple months back against the town sheriff. I was incredibly nervous and I fell way behind on the front nine. I gave myself a "little helping hand" which boosted my confidence and allowed me to only lose by 38 strokes instead of an astounding 165 strokes which I was on track to lose by. The sheriff still routed me, but he is a stickler for rules so he threw me in jail for cheating and for losing.
- •Public UrinationEarly one morning I took a walk in the park. It was super foggy outside and I didn't bother to put on my glasses so I saw what looked like a bunch of people urinating outside in the park. I figured this was a latrine and I had to relieve myself anyway so I just went where I thought everyone was going. Turns out I ended up pissing into one of those statue fountains in front of a young herd of ducklings. Bam. Just like that: one night in county jail and I am now an animal sex offender.
- •Attempted TreasonI tried to steal the deed to The White House and then sell it to ISIS for the grand sum of 150,000 big ones. ISIS was willing to pay this large sum so they could kidnap Obama and find the nuclear codes. Unfortunately, the local deputy caught me in the act of selling it on E-Bay. Fortunately, my crack team of attorneys was able to bring the charges down from Treason (punishable by death) to Attempted Treason (punishable by one night in county prison)
- •Shouting "Why the hell do the beds in here have so many goddamn bed bugs?!" continuously while I was spending the night in county jail for Attempted TreasonApparently the Sheriff cleans all the cells by himself. He was offended by my bed bugs complained so he tacked on another night to my sentence because "he was doing the best he could."
- •Threatening to Kill someone every day Daft Punk didn't reveal their true identityThe Joker did this to Batman in The Dark Knight. Batman never revealed his true identity, but I figured Daft Punk wasn't as tough as Batman so I thought my plan could work. This time I was arrested and I was supposed to be in prison for a long time, but the caped vigilante who caught me didn't read me my rights so my sentence was reduced to one night.
- •Soliciting a ProstituteWhen I was in 4th grade we had a guy named Officer Friendly come to our school to teach us about stranger danger. Officer Friendly was invited to stick around afterwards and at lunch he caught me giving Cindy Prescott the rest of my Hershey Bar for a kiss on the cheek. Officer Friendly handcuffed me immediately just to scare me straight and never solicit a prostitute again. However, a mistake was made and I had to spend the night in county jail at the age of 10. I was never quite the same.
- •Possession of HeroinDon't know how I only got a night in county for this. I guess maybe because I didn't actually get to use the heroin? But I was totally planning on it if my grandma didn't rat me out! Seriously tho, shoutout to my crack team of attorneys on this one.
- •TELLING THE DAMN TRUTH!Man I can't tell you the amount of times I've been arrested by THE PC POLICE for getting jobs as a math teacher at every local school and then refusing to teach anything, but the Bible. A night in county jail for this is well worth the truth I'm spreading.
- •MurderI strangled a man and then escaped the county jail. I am currently a fugitive of the law. Haha just kidding I haven't actually done this. It's a good thing you can use the list app in prison because my attorneys tell me I'll be in here for a while.