THE AIR BUD FRANCHISE RANKED
A ranking of the trailers for the popular film franchise "Air Bud" featuring Buddy the sports dog and his fucking grotesque talking children
- •Air Bud - ABuddy "the Air Bud" attempts to murder a clown and is abandoned in the wilderness. The basketball boy finds Buddy and discovers he has the gift of sports. Buddy becomes a famous basketball star, but the clown he tried to murder returns and seeks revenge. Trailer highlights: tiny dog sneakers, the jock jam "Get Ready For This" aka "Buddy's theme" plays loudly over every shot, and the clown drowns in a lake trapped inside his truck (spoiler!)
- •Air Bud: Golden Receiver - BBuddy aka "the clown murderer" is released from prison with one exception, that he never play basketball again. That's fine with the Air Bud, because he also kicks ass at football, so he does that instead. Trailer highlights: dog puns in every single sentence, "Get Ready For This" aka "Buddy's Theme" returns, Chumbawumba makes an appearance, and two old men passionately make out on screen for 17 uninterrupted minutes (controversial in 1998!)
- •Air Bud: World Pup - C-Buddy is recruited onto the US woman's soccer team when their goalie is injured and the absolute only option is to replace her with a dog. Buddy's horrifying dog children (who at this point do not speak English) watch on TV as Buddy attempts to block a goal. Highlights: flashback to the 2 previous Bud films, Buddy wears sunglasses for the first time, "Get Ready For This" does NOT play over the entire trailer (fans very upset about this departure from the original score)
- •Air Bud: Seventh Inning Fetch - A+A dramatic montage reminds the audience of Buddy's greatest sport feats to show how much he's grown since his first murder. Now he's a baseball dog, but his nightmare children (still mute) have been kidnapped by a raccoon and his two human sidekicks. Succumbing to the pressure of saving the local baseball team AND his children, Buddy returns to his old ways and murders two men and a raccoon after sending their truck into a muddy lake.
- •Air Bud Spikes Back - D+On the run after his latest murder spree, Buddy flees the country and lays low in Brazil, playing volleyball and wiring money to his family back in the US. Buddy is framed for the theft of a precious Brazilian diamond (so much for laying low!) and must find the real criminals to clear his name. Will Buddy kill again? This trailer is unclear.
- •Air Buddies - D-Buddy and his wife are captured by the Brazilian diamond thieves and its up to their horrifying goblin children who can now speak broken English to save the day. We're introduced to Butterball the raw turkey, Mud Butt the chronic diarrhea child, B'Dog the dog, Rosebud;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;; the cheat code, and Guatama Buddha the enlightened one. Highlights: Mud Butt farts on one of the thieves, B'Dog the dog wears an expensive necklace he can't stop obsessively polishing for the entire trailer.
- •Snow Buddies - F for FrozenAfter the unfortunate and inevitable demise of Buddy and his beautiful dog wife by the tiny hands of Rocky Raccoon who was working with the Brazilian diamond thieves all along, their five hairy monster children are packed inside an industrial crate and sent to the frozen tundra to die. But they don't. They become sled dogs instead, because this fucking franchise refuses to end. Please someone save me from this terrible terrible commitment I made.
- •Space Buddies - Who CaresOh great another one. I'm going to be honest with you, I can't watch any more of these. I'm sure for some dumb reason these dogs end up on a space shuttle and go to the fucking moon where they escape the death of this franchise and fly their shitty space shuttle into another movie. Trailer highlights: fuck you
- •Santa Buddies - I hate youGod dammit. Okay so the ugly grotesque monsters crash land their rocket onto another frozen mountain belonging to none other than the god damn Grinch himself. He sends his dog Max to murder them but Mud Butt does what he does best and just shits all over everything including the audience. Trailer highlights: please someone stop this machine
- •Spooky Buddies - D for Death is inevitableIn a turn of events the buddies are murdered by the Grinch at the end of Santa Buddies but their ghosts rise from the grave and haunt everyone but especially me right now in 2015 when I decided to do this stupid thing and waste my whole night watching air bud movies. Trailer highlights: the buddies are reunited with the ghost of Air Bud who now plays hockey or some shit
- •Treasure Buddies - B+The Buddies' ghosts travel to Egypt where they become friends with a camel and that fucking capuchin monkey who's in every god damn movie being an asshole to everyone. They find some golden mummies and in a stroke of luck discover the exchange rate for mummies is especially high.
- •Super Buddies - CUsing their newly reanimated bodies and endless fortunes from the stolen treasure the buddies become immortal super heroes who will continue to live on in this endless franchise. Trailer highlights: Nick Fury teases the Avengers Initiative in the post credits sequence. "The Boys Are Back In Town" plays.