Mean Things I've Said to My Dog

A running list.
  1. "Why are there little poo crunchies stuck to your b-hole?"
  2. "You look concerned. Are you worried there won't be biscuits in doggy heaven?"
    (She is hella old and we're basically just waiting for her to die at any moment.)
  3. Errbody in the club gettin' tipsy?
    as she drank out of her water bowl
  4. Please stop licking my pants. I feel like I shouldn't have to tell you that more than once.
  5. You really need to be more careful about the things you put in your mouth.
    To which she replied, "That's what she said."
  6. Why are you sulking? Are you sad because you don't have thumbs?
  7. Did you clean up all the poop in the yard? That's the secret to ever-youthful life, isn't it.
  8. Please stop. I feel sad when you lick my ham.
    This was to the cats, but still.
  9. DON'T FART ON ME. Wait, when did you have eggs?
  10. Do you want to come in my lap?
    To which my husband immediately followed up with "That's what she said."
  11. If you poop on the driveway again I will strangle you with my bare hands.
  12. Hey Weezie! What's shakin', old girl? Is it your legs?
    #DegenerativeMyelopathy
  13. Your breath smells like 1000 dirty crotches.