Important Things You Might Not Know About the Real World

There are some things that only a few people know, like clean shaven homeless people or happy people at the DMV, and these things could change how you view the your world, here is a list of knowledge I have acquired.
  1. Dogs are not in fact mans best friend
    They are here to make sure we don't ruin everything. They are great and wise, powerful beings, who have a weakness for belly rubs and treats
  2. Cats are not in fact useless
    They are immensely dangerous being who were put on earth to watch over the dogs to make sure they did not wipe out humanity. These watchers became immeasurably annoyed at the dogs eventual lack of control due to said weakness for belly rubs and treats. This is why cats are always angry and especially hate belly rubs. They have never forgiven the dogs for ignoring their duty.
  3. The beings you meet in walmart do not exist in the real world
    The foundations of the Walmarts were built upon the souls of other smaller shops and stores, and the bizarre things you see in Walmart are actually what has become of all the shops Walmart has put out of business.
  4. Time moves slower in school or while at work
    It may have always seemed like time moves slower in school or while at work, but the truth is that time really does moves slower. The theory of general relativity states that time moves slower near massive objects, and school buildings and business offices have hidden mass that exists in a different plane, made up of all the joy and creativity that these buildings siphon from children and working adults
  5. Bean bag chairs are full of condensed pellets of childhood joy, not foam
    Which explains how incredible they are.
  6. Books contain addictive drugs
    The drug is released when the optic nerve perceives writing in a bound book and the pages of the book allow the drug to seep into the skin through the hands of the reader. The drug causes mild hallucinations, many people experience this phenomenon in slightly different ways, but generally relates to whatever is written in the book. New age hippies refer to this as "imagination" and the halliconations are seen with your "minds eye"
  7. The Harry Potter world is real
    Yes it is. Stop arguing with me.
  8. Small children can actually communicate with each other on fake phones
    The children are born with the innate ability to use fake phones as actual phones and use them to corroborate their alibis, and check in with the grand baby council, which determines when and how parent will be woken up, each and every day. After children reach a certain age, the council wipes the childs mind and deactivates the ability.
  9. All movies are better when viewed when they first come out, and seen in movie theaters
    No evidence necessary
  10. Road signs are entirely optional under key circumstances
    When feeling annoyed, when your water breaks, when you know you are a better driver than anyone else on the road, when cops are chasing you, when you feel like it, etc.
  11. Shopping online and receiving items in the mail is the #1 to reduce anxiety when soft animals are unavailable.
    Packages received late on the other hand are the #1 cause of anxiety
  12. Bush did 7/11
    Inside Job
  13. This image