MASOCHISM AT ITS FINEST
- •Deciding to spend a "casual, relaxing night in" watching The Jinx by yourselfHere's how this goes: you are freaked out from the start, and your fear and paranoia only become more amplified as the night progresses. Two hours in, you start to wonder which of your neighbors has a bow saw and why. You spend the next four hours quivering and repeating "be cool, BE COOL" aloud, and making sure none of the locks on your door magically unlocked themselves.Spoiler: NO ONE is going to reply to your SOS texts. You finally finish The Jinx, and inexplicably restart it all over again.
- •Attempting to read and comprehend Heidegger's "Being and Time"I'm convinced that Heidegger is basically just a glorified troll and a confusionmonger. Either that, or I'm bitter about lacking the "highbrow intellect" to grasp it. In any event, my point is that this is not to be trifled with sans whiskey. I'll save my thoughts about the credibility of his personal character for another rant.
- •Taking the LA Metro late at night"I'll just get some gelato before hopping on the bus to my destination"...NO YOU FUCKING WON'T, because there won't be any destination you'll be getting to tonight via transit after you tragically run towards the bus you just missed, so welcome to purgatory. If you're lucky, you'll catch one in an hour, but sometimes they're just like "fuck it" and don't come for hours. Good thing you had that gelato packed in ice, because the bottom of the soggy paper bag it was in just fell through.
- •Hollywood and Highland: NOTHING you could possibly want could justify having to deal with thisNever has there been a better personification of an anxiety attack than the absolute circus at Hollywood and Highland. You should never come here, but if you do, prepare for utter bedlam and pandemonium. Prepare to suffocate in a crowd. People will bombard you to take their photo. People will sweat on you. People will yell at you for blocking their photo of a gold painted man pretending to be a robot. People will form a circle around the robot man and do the wave. AVOID AT ALL COSTS.
- •Trying to make lace-up non-stretch corsets "happen" when you boast a build so broad that it could only possibly be rivaled by prolific NFL linebackersIt didn't work the first time, and it's definitely not going to work now. At best, it takes 30 minutes to lace up, and your fingers hurt so much that the task reduces you to tears of exhaustion. At worst, it takes 25 minutes to nearly lace up before the lace snaps, your fingers hurt so much that the task reduces you to tears of exhaustion...and having all been for nothing, you shake your fist at the heavens, cursing your cosmic joke of a life.