MY AREAS OF EXPERTISE
- •Tips for embracing your destiny as a whimsical spinster
- •Reversing hexes placed on you or your loved ones by indignant hobos
- •Let's Cut To The Cheese: how many Oscar Mayer Wiener cheese-filled hot dogs is TOO MANY Oscar Mayer Wiener cheese-filled hot dogs?
- •Alienating your entire social circle by screaming out tropes during films and television programs ("HOLY SHIT, THE MACGUFFIN IS AN EGG, IT'S A FUCKING EGG MACGUFFIN, YOU GUYS!")
- •The divine ability to look at a crowd of people and correctly guess which ones have fake bullet hole stickers on their shitty cars
- •Successfully krumping in perfect, rhythmic form to the musical stylings of Spaghetti Western Orchestra
- •Do you ever fall asleep and wake up in the morning only to find Cheetos scattered across your pillow and stuck to your face? Yeah, me neither...
- •Selecting potential partners on Tinder solely on the basis of whether or not Space Jam is a mutual interest (100% success rate)
- •Willpower in matters of productivity, aka sitting down to get work done only to realize that three hours have passed, and all you've accomplished is stumbling balls deep down a rabbit hole of Googling Whoopi Goldberg...and you're not even mad about it.