MY AREAS OF EXPERTISE

  1. Tips for embracing your destiny as a whimsical spinster
  2. Reversing hexes placed on you or your loved ones by indignant hobos
  3. Let's Cut To The Cheese: how many Oscar Mayer Wiener cheese-filled hot dogs is TOO MANY Oscar Mayer Wiener cheese-filled hot dogs?
  4. Alienating your entire social circle by screaming out tropes during films and television programs ("HOLY SHIT, THE MACGUFFIN IS AN EGG, IT'S A FUCKING EGG MACGUFFIN, YOU GUYS!")
  5. The divine ability to look at a crowd of people and correctly guess which ones have fake bullet hole stickers on their shitty cars
  6. Successfully krumping in perfect, rhythmic form to the musical stylings of Spaghetti Western Orchestra
  7. Do you ever fall asleep and wake up in the morning only to find Cheetos scattered across your pillow and stuck to your face? Yeah, me neither...
  8. Selecting potential partners on Tinder solely on the basis of whether or not Space Jam is a mutual interest (100% success rate)
  9. Willpower in matters of productivity, aka sitting down to get work done only to realize that three hours have passed, and all you've accomplished is stumbling balls deep down a rabbit hole of Googling Whoopi Goldberg...and you're not even mad about it.