WHAT TO DO WHEN A TEENAGER NEXT TO YOU IS GETTING A HAND JOB DURING A SCREENING OF TED 2

  1. Focus on the movie. It may not be"Citizen Kane," but enough people worked really hard on the product to try and distract you from recently post pubescent moans.
  2. When a moment makes you laugh, let yourself REALLY laugh. The laughs are few and far between in a sequel that's gunning for a raison d'etre, but again, they will show up.
  3. Don't move your head more than 35 Degrees toward the HJ in progress. Not only will you look like a creep, you will ruin the mood and ensure at least 5-7 more minutes of yank time.
  4. A guy just returned from getting popcorn. Try and make eye contact with him in a sort of "get a load of this teen hand job!" way. He won't notice, but it gives you almost the slightest feeling of connection. Ugh, I think the girl spit in her hand.
  5. Remember how when you were a boy getting HJ's from your high school girlfriend in your basement while watching reruns of "Room Raiders." Remember how terrified and shriveled you'd become if you heard the slightest stair squeak or movement upstairs. Admire this kid next to you's sheer GALL as he continues to show unparalleled stamina.
  6. When he clearly cums during a scene when Ted and Mark Wahlberg fight, nod to yourself, watch the rest of the movie, and exit on the opposite side of the couple to avoid any accidental stickiness.