What I Expected from Target

I purchased some laundry detergent at Target. Turns out the lid was fused on. No one in the family was able to make it budge. I would include a photo, but it was just sealed shut. Not much to show, but closed forever. I thought of drilling a hole in the top, but figured returning it made more sense. This is what I expected in return.
  1. 1.
    A product exchange.
  2. 2.
    A gift card. Minimum of $5.
  3. 3.
    A smile and firm handshake.
  4. 4.
    A heartfelt apology.
  5. 5.
    Damages for my suffering and emotional trauma.
  6. 6.
    A back rub.
  7. 7.
    Foot rub.
  8. 8.
    Gentle kisses on my forehead.
  9. 9.
    Quality time together.
  10. 10.
    Banishment of the dog with a "target" on its eye.
  11. 11.
    What did I get? A suspicious look and reluctant agreement, when they could not open it either.