How To Keep The Seat Beside You Free On Public Transport

  1. When new people enter the bus shout, 'Hello! There's a spare seat next to me! I'm a qualified murderer'
  2. Lie across both seats and pretend to be a snake that's fast asleep
  3. Place a full grown adult male hare on the spare seat beside you
  4. Hyper-stretch your buttocks across both seats
  5. Inform the person that is about to sit there that you recently witnessed an ant have diarrhoea on that very spot
  6. Talk to the spare seat like someone is sat there. Refer to that someone as Archibald and call him a scoundrel for beating you at lawn tennis
  7. Have the seat beside you rehopolstered in an utterly uninviting pattern
  8. Tell anyone that tries to sit in the seat that you're reserving it for Tom Hanks