THINGS I'VE ACTUALLY SAID TO MY WIFE

  1. I can't believe Wilson Phillips is three women and not one man.
  2. I feel that you are always about a minute away from eating salami.
  3. If my second backup wife gets married I'll need to make a horcrux out of you.
  4. This is the best chicken I've ever had! (Amie: That's because these are pork chops.)
  5. I wouldn't even know how to spell "bananas" if it wasn't for Fergie.
  6. What day is Thanksgiving this year?
  7. Did you get a haircut? (Amie: Yeah, a month ago.)
  8. I need you to shower more than once a week.
  9. There's Ursa Major and there's Ursa Minor, and speaking of minors ... you're not one are you?
  10. We can either afford a Hyundai, a Smart Car, or a moped.
  11. I need to look up some equations.
    This has been said multiple times. Always legitimately. And always makes Amie crack up.
  12. The front stoop needs to be cleaned. We either need a toothbrush or a pressure washer.
  13. BONUS: The whole time Amie was pregnant with Ellie I called her Fatness Everdeen.
    She loved it. But I only recommend jokes of this variety if you are finely tuned to your significant other's self-confidence, sense of humor, and literary tastes.
  14. You are a spectacular specimen of ignorance.
  15. You are a disaster.
    Said daily.