1. Bill Clinton nearly died from choking on a novelty foam finger he assumed was edible at a Weird Al concert.
  2. Malcolm X got into a fist fight outside a Chinatown Express that nearly cost him his thumb.
  3. Julia Childs was shot 37 times outside The Viper Room over a failed methamphetamine buy.
  4. Mitch McConnell was trampled in a gay pride parade. He was saved by the crude penis shaped cage he'd constructed from chicken wire.
  5. Charlie Sheen was found unconscious inside his Mickey Mouse costume in the Disneyland staging area. He was resuscitated by Mulan.
  6. Kim Jong Un suffered a mild heart attack when a bullfrog startled him during his weekly Zumba class.
  7. Dwayne "The Rock" Johnson was mauled by a house cat in his early 20's and had to undergo extensive facial reconstruction surgery. Today he is living happily as Channing Tatum.
  8. LeBron James was forced to give up knitting when a stray frisbee knocked him into one of his needles causing semi-permanent blindness.
  9. After eating a plate of improperly prepared clams, John Updike spent 2 weeks in the hospital suffering from what the doctors called a near fatal case of "pooping."
  10. My neighbor, Eugene Blerts, suffered third degree burns after attempting to construct a homemade tanning bed out of toasters and a second hand coffin.