A CONVERSATION WITH A CONFUSED PERSON I'M NOT DATING

  1. I was talking with a straight male I-wouldn't-exactly-say-friend yesterday who, at one point in time, wanted to go on a date with me.
  2. Then I found out that he was a recently divorced Scorpio and said no.
    I'm talking VERY recent.
  3. BUT I offered the opportunity to be my pen pal. We write each other long emails on Sundays. I came up with this alternative to meeting in person because I like talking to people. Also, I felt bad for him.
    He said he wasn't open to the potential of things becoming serious and I am, so... You don't get to meet me, homie.
  4. Some would say I'm using this as a way to procrastinate from writing my book. And to that, I would say, "Shut up."
    He is also incredibly manipulative.
  5. So now I have accidentally become this kid's therapist.
  6. Yesterday (which was a Saturday; he broke the Sunday rule!) he writes to me, "I don't want a Tinder hook-up thing. I like having a connection with someone, but it would be nice not to have the pressure that at some point there may be the exclusivity talk. WHAT WOULD DANA DO?"
  7. And this is what I said:
  8. "Sweetie, you are not being honest with yourself."
  9. "You don't want a Tinder hookup situation, but you want to fuck someone on the reg who won't want to eventually talk about exclusivity either. Guess what? That situation does not exist."
  10. "That is a manic pixie dream girl. That is someone who is exclusive to you without expecting the same in return."
  11. "And you know what it tells me? If you aren't ready for the exclusivity talk, but you don't want a fuck buddy, then you're not ready at all to be fucking with people's emotions."
  12. "Because that is EXACTLY what my most recent sex partner did to me. Said he wanted 'a companion,' a hookup on the regular and then when it came down to the nitty-gritty, he freaked the fuck out. And to be on the receiving end of that really sucks."
  13. "Now if he was just honest and said, 'hey, I really want a fuck buddy,' I could've saved myself a whole lot of trouble. But what he wanted (which was a preference for me to fuck only him--even if it was only for safety's sake--and for him to be able to fuck whoever he wanted) isn't realistic."
  14. "You can't have your cake and eat it, too, bb. If you don't want exclusivity, then your only option is a hookup situation. Hate to burst your bubble."
  15. 😘