COMPONENTS OF A PERFECT NIGHT AFTER ENDING THINGS WITH SOMEONE YOU DIDN'T WANT TO END THINGS WITH

I'm no longer sleeping with the person I had been sleeping with and came down with a case of the sads.
  1. 1.
    Spend $365 on sex toys.
    I BOUGHT THE WOMANIZER, @olive!!!!!! And, like, soooooo much other shit.
  2. 2.
    Seriously, if you're in NYC, visit Babeland. It's amazing. The lovely man helping me and my friends gave us free wine and cupcakes. Like, come on.
    Why yes, that IS a Hello Kitty buttplug.
  3. 3.
    Get drunk (against doctor's orders) with three of your best friends.
    IT WAS AN EMERGENCY. And, like, legit the fourth time I drank this year.
  4. 4.
    Re-download Bumble on your phone at the bar.
  5. 5.
    Stop at Georgetown Cupcakes and split a sticky toffee pudding cupcake and a gingerbread cupcake with your work wife.
  6. 6.
    Go back to friend's apartment and blast some DMX. Sing along loudly to it.
  7. 7.
    Order copious amounts of Thai food.
  8. 8.
    Have your friends tell each other that you are KWEENS.
  9. 9.
    Steal all the curry puffs like the rabid dog that you are.
  10. 10.
    Watch 50 Shades for the first time (unrated version) and live tweet it on your corporate Twitter account.
  11. 11.
    Charge your Womanizer on friend's kitchen table.
    The Womanizer is a vibrating clit sucker. I repeat, CLIT SUCKER. Fuck buddy WHO? I don't even remember the name of the dude I'd been sleeping with. BYE GURL BYE
  12. 12.
    Buy a Slurpee on your walk home.
  13. 13.
    Boom. Done. I'm good now.