DECODING COMMON MALE DATING PROFILE BIOS

I have become fluent in Tinderese and Bumblish.
  1. "Work hard, play hard."
    "I don't have a fucking ounce of creativity in my entire body. Hope you like missionary position."
  2. "Not looking for a hookup."
    "I know that if I say this, more women will swipe for me."
  3. "Not looking for a pen pal. Please swipe only if you're interested in meeting up."
    "I reel chicks in with a really good first profile picture, but then they scroll through the rest of my pictures and see what I REALLY look like and don't want to talk to me."
  4. "Your parents will love me."
    "I was raised Catholic."
  5. "Looking for a reason to get off this app."
    "I have been on these apps longer than Beetlejuice has been hanging out in the afterlife's waiting room at the end of the movie."
  6. "You miss 100% of the shots you don't take."
    "There is also a 99% chance that I am a middle school gym teacher."
  7. "Don't wanna fill this in if you want to get to know me just ask lol"
    "I am so incredibly lazy I can't write one goddamn sentence about myself. I'm the type of guy who expects oral first and rarely reciprocates." (Thank you @ailsamartian for reminding me that these dickholes exist.)
  8. "5'10""
    "barely 5'8""