FEATURES ON DATING APPS THAT WOULD FORCE DUDES TO DISCLOSE CERTAIN INFORMATION (THAT I WISH EXISTED)

  1. A checkbox indicating whether or not they just got out of a long-term relationship
    Let's just say I've been to that party MANY times and I never leave with a goody bag, ya feel me?
  2. A checkbox re: if their glasses have Transition™ lenses
    A second checkbox indicating if they've ever worn them in the past
  3. A checkbox for whether or not they trim their ball hair
    As a woman who enjoys putting balls in her mouth, a warning re: if it's gonna feel like sucking on a gumdrop someone accidentally dropped on the carpet would be much appreciated
  4. A picture of their dad so I know what I'm in for in the future
  5. A dropdown box re: what their hair situation REALLY is like
    Options: Luscious, Thinning, LL Cool J
  6. A checkbox re: if they've ever owned a fedora
  7. A notification if they've screenshotted any of my photos
  8. A second notification if they've sent any of those photos to friends
  9. A gauge that indicates on a scale of Tom Hanks to Jessie Eisenberg how socially awkward they are in person
  10. A giant red x over their profile picture if they've ever tried to talk their way out of wearing a condom