FLAVORED CONDOMS: RANKED AND REVIEWED
I'd always wanted to try these, so Nick and I did some thorough and exhaustive research. You know, for science. 📋📈📉📊
- •Chocolate mint: 3/10PROS: Made my mouth feel minty fresh. Condom was green so I temporarily a nicknamed Nick's penis "the Jolly Green Cock." Nick asked "Do I taste like a Thin Mint?" which made me laugh. CONS: Very subtle flavor. Crap. I had such high Girl Scout cookie hopes!
- •Island punch: 5/10PROS: Tasted like there was a party in my mouth and a reggae band got invited. Nick thought it smelled like jelly beans or cherry Pez, which made me reply, "THAT'S what it reminds me of--Easter!" (The whole rising again thing? Okay, okay, I'll stop now.) CONS: The taste coupled with the fact that the condom was bluish teal made me think "Fruity Pebbles cock" and I couldn't seriously attempt to blow him.
- •Chocolate Strawberry: 1/10PROS: Smelled delicious. The condom was red and made Nick's dick straight up look like a balloon animal. Cons: Latex was super thick. Nick was like, "Geez, this condom has to be like 2 centimeters thick!" We had a hard time putting it on/taking it off.
- •Bubblegum: 6/10NEITHER A PRO OR A CON: Smelled like a dentist's office. PRO: Tasted pretty good! CON: For all of these flavored condoms, the latex is so thick it would take you 8 hours to get a dude to come. So it's really good for long flights or watching the entire Lord of the Rings trilogy, I guess. Nick added, "If youre able to suck someone off using these condoms, you deserve the ring of Mordor."
- •Sliquid green apple-flavored lube: 10/10Not a flavored condom, but I wanted to include it because I forgot I had a sample of it in my condom stash and GODDAMN THIS STUFF IS GREAT. 1. It turned Nick's dick into a Jolly Rancher. 2. Causes you to salivate more, which makes for a better BJ. 3. Nick said he liked how it made his junk smell like a candy apple. Really gets you into the fall spirit, you guys! 🍁🍂🍃 Long story short: I'm gonna buy a full-size bottle of this shit IMMEDIATELY.