FOODS @TOMBATTEN WILL HAVE SEX WITH IF HE DOESN'T GET LAID SOON

I'm visiting @tombatten in Virginia this weekend so I can bust his balls IRL. Pretty sure he wants to murder me. (And calm down, calm down--I know a bunch of y'all are gonna cream your pants because you think Tom and I should date, but the truth is we're just buddies. Leave it be and be respectful, please.) Now, onto the foods Tom would fuck...
  1. A bag of saltwater taffy
  2. A cone of Ben & Jerry's ice cream
    Or maybe a Vermonster? I'm not sure if Tom is into bigger women.
  3. A candy apple
    He'll figure out a way.
  4. This gluten-free pizza
  5. A giant smoked turkey leg
    He'll just rub up on it, I'd imagine.
  6. This funnel cake
    No fruit filling. Sorry.
  7. A stick of homemade butter from Colonial Williamsburg
    The costumed lady who churned it will just be like, "what are you doing. Get out of here."
  8. One of those decorative tin containers filled with the three different flavors of popcorn.
    Kinda like a threesome?
  9. God, you guys, I'm so hungry. Also, someone please sleep with Tom.