HOW I'M PREPARING TO MEET TOM BATTEN

Visiting @tombatten this weekend in VA and he's going to really regret inviting me, I think.
  1. Lots of stretching.
    Especially the ol' hip flexors. I plan on asking for a lot of piggyback rides. And I mean a lot.
  2. Renewing my US passport.
    Okay, so I may not have known where Virginia was on a US map. WE GET IT, TOM. WE GET IT.
  3. Washing the blood out of all my clothes.
  4. Packing a lot of KIND bars.
    They have a low glycemic index, you guys.
  5. Kegels.
    Obviously.
  6. Charging my Pax 2 vaporizer.
    Obviously.
  7. Finding a good book of spells and hexes.
    I really want to try reversing the curse that's currently on his penis.
  8. Buying a box of black and white cookies.
    His parents are letting me stay at their house and it's the least I can do since they're about to endure 3 days and 4 nights of pure and unadulterated torture.
  9. Practicing my handshake and smile.
    To convince him that I'm not a robot created by the Russian government sent to kill him (he knows what he did).