HOW I'M PREPARING TO MEET TOM BATTEN
Visiting @tombatten this weekend in VA and he's going to really regret inviting me, I think.
- •Lots of stretching.Especially the ol' hip flexors. I plan on asking for a lot of piggyback rides. And I mean a lot.
- •Renewing my US passport.Okay, so I may not have known where Virginia was on a US map. WE GET IT, TOM. WE GET IT.
- •Washing the blood out of all my clothes.
- •Packing a lot of KIND bars.They have a low glycemic index, you guys.
- •Charging my Pax 2 vaporizer.Obviously.
- •Finding a good book of spells and hexes.I really want to try reversing the curse that's currently on his penis.
- •Buying a box of black and white cookies.His parents are letting me stay at their house and it's the least I can do since they're about to endure 3 days and 4 nights of pure and unadulterated torture.
- •Practicing my handshake and smile.To convince him that I'm not a robot created by the Russian government sent to kill him (he knows what he did).