INTERNET PORN: A RETROSPECTIVE

Inspired by a conversation I had last night.
  1. The youth of today don't know the intense stress related to downloading porn in the early days of the internet.
  2. It was a PROCESS, you guys.
  3. First, there was one computer in your house. Usually it was in a common space, like a living room or den.
    There were no phones or tablets with internet access. Just one dial-up hunk of metal and wires on a flimsy card table stuffed into a corner somewhere.
  4. So the first step was figuring out how to time it so that no one was around.
  5. Once you had privacy, you had to actually find a reputable site.
  6. There were so many links and you didn't know which ones were viruses and which ones weren't.
    It was like walking in a minefield. 💣
  7. If you were lucky enough to find a reputable site (and god bless you--who are you, Carmen Sandiago?), mazel tov, because it's going to take 4 hours to load.
    Hope you brought a good book cuz this gon take a while. ¯\_(ツ)_/¯
  8. And once it did load, it buffered every four fucking seconds.
    I could have watched porn faster through a ViewMaster, you guys.
  9. But more often than not, it WASN'T a reputable link. And may god have mercy on your soul if you happened to click on the kind of virus that opened WINDOW after WINDOW after WINDOW of explicit porn.
    It would always be like 70 windows and you'd have to click like mad to close all of them in time before someone caught you. Your pointer finger would get so much fucking cardio, you guys. It was a goddamn workout.
  10. You prayed for the sweet release of death.
  11. Because if you clicked on a REALLY bad virus by mistake, your computer straight up died. Like, you no longer had a computer.
    And you had to tell your parents the dog must have walked on the keyboard or something because you had noooo idea what happened. Those poor bastards had to shell out 600 bucks all because you wanted to see some dick.
  12. So be thankful for your YouPorn and XTube and whatever you kids use nowadays to get your kicks. Many have suffered before you so you can bask in the abundance of what we have now. Amen. 🙏🏻