KNEE-JERK REACTIONS TO DUDES' BUMBLE PROFILES

Legit just stream of consciousness-ing it while I swipe through a bunch of assholes.
  1. 23.
    You are not nearly attractive enough for such a comprehensive list of demands. What is this, a ransom note?
  2. 22.
    Great. Three things no woman is interested in.
  3. 21.
    [makes jacking off motion with my hand]
  4. 20.
    Woah someone is VERY DIRECT
  5. 19.
    "I couldn't think of anything interesting to say in that first line, but I want you to know that I'm tall cuz girls like that, right?"
  6. 18.
    "I know you're not going to care about anything else after I say Wealth Management Advisor so I'm just gonna phone it in at the end here."
  7. 17.
    "I have been on dating apps for too long and am getting bitter about it."
  8. 16.
    "I, too, am bitter."
  9. 15.
    WHOA CALM DOWN THAT IS WAY TOO MANY EXCLAMATION POINTS
  10. 14.
    1. I respect you for openly admitting how short you are. 2. You use as many emojis as a teenage girl does and that cancels out the respect I felt for you earlier.
  11. 13.
    Oh, honey. Ohhhhhhh, honey. Bless your heart, but we're in New York City.
  12. 12.
    Soooo... just like everybody else? Okay.
  13. 11.
    "I may be clinically depressed."
  14. 10.
    Yes, bitch. This is how you do it.
  15. 9.
    "I have self-esteem issues that I'm trying to compensate for."
  16. 8.
    "I like to make sweeping generalizations about femininity."
  17. 7.
    "I'm a thirty-one-year-old man who is uncomfortable with the concept of cursing. I am a Baby McDiaperpants. I just sh$& in my diaper."
  18. 6.
    Love it. You're adorable.
  19. 5.
    I honestly really don't give a giraffe's nut where you've lived as long as it wasn't an ISIS training camp.
  20. 4.
    I'm too high for this.
    Or maybe not high enough?
  21. 3.
    "I make poor career decisions."
  22. 2.
    "I'm looking for a hookup, but I don't want to outright say I'm looking for a hookup, so I'll just write a bunch of other bullshit instead."
  23. 1.
    HOLY SHIT HE REALLY IS AN ED SHEERAN DOPPELGÄNGER