MY BEST PICKUP LINES FROM WHEN I PLAYED ON MY FRIEND'S GRINDR

See, you guys? I TOLD y'all I had fun stuff saved in my Drafts folder. I got you, boo boo. I got you.
  1. This is my friend Jon. Jon has a Grindr account (and Scruff and Manhunt and god knows whatever else). I like to steal his phone and play on 'em.
    Look how beautiful this bitch is. He's thirstier than I am, if you can even imagine that.
  2. First, I changed his profile pic to this:
    That picture is of Jon when he was in middle school and I love it. I made it my Facebook profile pic for a while.
  3. Next, I changed his username to "BraceYourself." Then I started messaging random dudes.
  4. "Hey, do you have any good VHS tapes?"
  5. "Nintendo is the best, but I hate how you sometimes have to blow into the cartridges, you know? Do you have Super Mario Bros.?"
  6. "Do you know if we have any social studies homework for Mr. Brooks' 4th period class?"
  7. "Slap bracelets kinda hurt! lolololol"
  8. "My tamagotchi died :("
  9. "Wanna go to Auntie Anne's and share a cinnamon pretzel with me? I need a ride to the mall."
  10. "What color bands should I get on my braces next month? I'm thinking red and green for Christmas!"
  11. "My mom tells me I need to start wearing deodorant."
  12. "Can you sign my permission slip? My class is going whale watching."
  13. Unsurprisingly, no one messaged me back.
    Gay guys have ZERO time for my shenanigans. They have better things to do.