MY BEST PICKUP LINES FROM WHEN I PLAYED ON MY FRIEND'S GRINDR
See, you guys? I TOLD y'all I had fun stuff saved in my Drafts folder. I got you, boo boo. I got you.
- •This is my friend Jon. Jon has a Grindr account (and Scruff and Manhunt and god knows whatever else). I like to steal his phone and play on 'em.Look how beautiful this bitch is. He's thirstier than I am, if you can even imagine that.
- •First, I changed his profile pic to this:That picture is of Jon when he was in middle school and I love it. I made it my Facebook profile pic for a while.
- •Next, I changed his username to "BraceYourself." Then I started messaging random dudes.
- •"Hey, do you have any good VHS tapes?"
- •"Nintendo is the best, but I hate how you sometimes have to blow into the cartridges, you know? Do you have Super Mario Bros.?"
- •"Do you know if we have any social studies homework for Mr. Brooks' 4th period class?"
- •"Slap bracelets kinda hurt! lolololol"
- •"My tamagotchi died :("
- •"Wanna go to Auntie Anne's and share a cinnamon pretzel with me? I need a ride to the mall."
- •"What color bands should I get on my braces next month? I'm thinking red and green for Christmas!"
- •"My mom tells me I need to start wearing deodorant."
- •"Can you sign my permission slip? My class is going whale watching."
- •Unsurprisingly, no one messaged me back.Gay guys have ZERO time for my shenanigans. They have better things to do.