MY BEST TINDER STORY (AKA HOW I TRICK-OR-TREATED SOME POOR BASTARD)

Happy Halloween, everybody!
  1. Back in February, I met someone off Tinder who was very nice, had a good job, and essentially didn't have anything wrong with him. However, he was the most boring guy I have ever encountered.
  2. He was soooo white (he was from Colorado, you guys) and had ZERO edge, so let's just call him Wonder Bread or WB for short.
  3. WB asked if I wanted to be exclusive after dating me for 2 weeks. I was very flattered, but wasn't sure if this was the right kid for me. I decided to sleep over his place to find out.
  4. I went to his apartment in Brooklyn, we fooled around a little (no sex) and then he offered me a hit off his bong. It wasn't his weed--it was his roommate's.
  5. This, as it turned out, was a big mistake.
  6. I took one hit and I still don't know what the FUCK was in that weed, but I swear it had to have been PCP or something.
  7. When I'm stoned I want three things: to watch comedy, eat greasy food, and make out.
  8. WB wasn't getting snuggly with me and it made me mad. I asked if we could get takeout--which I offered to pay for--and he said we could eat bread and cheese from his fridge instead (what is this, Les Miserable?). Then, instead of putting on Netflix to find a comedy special, he put on some Andrew Bird.
  9. I repeat: Andrew. Fucking. Bird.
  10. It was in that moment that I distinctly remember thinking, "If I don't get out of here right now, I'm gonna kill this motherfucker."
  11. Just, like, listen to this song and TELL ME it doesn't make you want to stab something: http://youtu.be/z2vsAoQ5esQ
    Keep in mind that WB was HUMMING AND *WHISTLING* ALONG TO IT.
  12. But then, in my high brain, I remembered that WB liked me a LOT and if I told him I wanted to leave, he would probably get really mad. I had been at this kid's place for barely 40 minutes. Then I somehow convinced myself that if WB caught wind of any indication I was ditching him, there was a 100% chance he would murder me.
  13. I legit thought that. There was a 0% chance I'd leave that apartment unmurdered. So, naturally, I started to panic.
  14. Then I got very clever and thought, "Well, maybe if I tell him I need to get some air, I could put on my jacket and boots without him suspecting anything."
  15. So that's exactly what I did.
  16. Just as I headed to the door, I grabbed my overnight bag. A very confused WB asked, "Wait, are you leaving?" and I was like "Noooo I just need my bag. Let's go for a walk."
  17. While we're walking, WB goes, "Wait... are we... walking towards the subway?" And I was like no, no of course not... all the way until we got to the subway steps. And then I ran.
  18. When I got underground, I texted @MCWillZ in a panic. "I'M SO HIGH WHERE ARE YOU MARYYYYYYY"
  19. And she's like, "Are you okay???" And I'm like "NOOOOOOOOO A PIECE OF WONDER BREAD TRIED TO KILL ME" and she's like "wtf are you talking about, Dana. Where are you??" Luckily, she was on her way back from a party and could meet me at her apartment.
  20. On the subway, I was convinced everyone could tell I was high. I figured I'd throw them off my scent if I looked busy(?), so I bought and ate a pack of Starbursts.
  21. Turns out Starbursts are the WORST candy to eat while stoned because unwrapping those fuckers feels like doing intricate origami. It drew even MORE attention to me since I was the wide-eyed girl bringing each piece up to an inch away from her face in order to unwrap it.
  22. I ate the entire pack and somehow, by the grace of god, I navigated all the way from Bumblefuck, Brooklyn to West Harlem. I still don't know how I did it.
  23. When I got to Mary's, I ordered $40 worth of Middle Eastern food and ate it all by myself, then watched the newest Aziz Ansari special.
  24. Sitting on her bed, wrapped in a blanket, I remember that I kept repeating, "I'm so happy right now, I'm so happy right now."
  25. Just before I went to sleep, Mary goes, "You're either going to wake up and feel HORRIBLE for what you did and will need to do some major damage control with this kid OR you will wake up feeling completely at peace with your decision to run out on that guy and come here."
  26. I woke up the next day and felt fine. Then Mary and I got brunch.
    I ate chicken and waffles. ¯\_(ツ)_/¯