MY DARKEST MOMENT ⚫️

Inspired by @AlexandraLouise
  1. Trigger warning.
  2. Trigger warning.
  3. Trigger warning.
  4. It's 2006. I had no place to binge/purge. My entire family was home and I'm not a stealthy puker, so I had to figure out a place to go.
  5. I tried to ignore the urges, but I was so in absolute in need of the release I was practically jumping out of my skin.
  6. And then I remembered the bathroom at my gym was usually pretty empty.
  7. And that there's a grocery store next to my gym.
    Interesting twist there.
  8. I went into the grocery store and bought all my favorite binge foods. Chips and ice cream. Bingers know that it's all about alternating between savory and sweet.
  9. And so I brought all these groceries to the gym. I don't even know if I hid them in a gym bag or just blatantly carried bags of groceries past the front desk.
    Knowing how disordered I was at the time, probably the latter.
  10. But I dressed like I was going to work out: sweatshirt, yoga pants, sneakers, etc. and walked to the women's locker room. It was a Sunday afternoon so it was completely empty when I walked in. It smelled like some acrid disinfectant.
  11. And then I just sat on the floor of the handicapped bathroom in that never-ending binge cycle where you crave sweet and then crave salty so you keep alternating and alternating between foods until you're naseous.
  12. And every time someone came into the locker room I had to eat as quietly as I can because I didn't want anyone to hear me.
  13. At one point, a woman sat in the stall next to me and urinated and I still kept eating.
  14. When there was no food left, I purged. I remember preferring to binge on ice cream because, as a liquid, it helped bring everything back up.
  15. The moment someone would come into the bathroom, I'd have to stop. Because the last thing I needed was someone hearing me and asking:
  16. "Are you okay?"
  17. "Do you need me to get someone?"
  18. When it got quiet again, I'd keep purging until there was nothing left. Until I started puking up mucous.
  19. The worst thing about purging is that you have to blow your nose a thousand times. You're just leaking mucous like one of those egg separators.
  20. Then I got off the floor, stuck all the empty bags and cartons in the grocery bag, and threw everything out in a garbage on my way out of the locker room.
  21. From start to finish, I'd say the whole episode lasted, at most, 45 minutes.
  22. Then I left the gym and went home to sleep because post-purge naps are what I imagine heroin feels like. Your body is flooded with dopamine after eating all this stuff that makes you feel good, but you're also so, so exhausted.
  23. That day was probably the worst day of my life.
  24. But please know that I'm writing this in my pajamas at almost 3pm, while eating a balanced lunch (I woke up at 1pm, whoops) after cancelling my workout because my body is clearly very tired.
  25. And that the idea that I can now listen to what my body wants/needs is pretty damn cool.