MY SEX STATS
Currently drafting the outline of my new children's book "Everybody Fucks."
- •How many people I've slept with: 12I'm counting all types of sex in here, you guys. But if we're talking just penetrative sex, that number is 8.
- •Last time I hooked up: Oct 14thMorning sex for the win! 🙌🏻 I listed about what happened the night before here: I THOUGHT OF 20 TERRIBLE SONGS TO HAVE SEX TO AND THEN ACTUALLY TRIED HAVING SEX TO THEM
- •Age at which I had my first kiss: 16And it was so comically bad I LOVE IT.
- •Age at which I first had sex: 17I work fast! Fun fact: I had my first time with the dude who gave me my first kiss. D'awwwww. I also hate saying "lost my virginity" because virginity is a social construct okay byeeeeee
- •How many times I've been cheated on: 2And they fucking PAID for it, boo boo.
- •How many times I've cheated on another person: zip, nada, ZEROAnd would never happen. I'm wayyyyyyy too direct and blunt. I'm also an Aries and Sicilian; we're super loyal. Which means if you cheat on me, Imma put a horse head in your bed. I live by mafia rules, you guys. 🐎
- •Have I ever been sexually assaulted: yesMaybe I'll write about this one day, but it wasn't one of those "it was in an alley and he pulled a knife" stories. My experience was committed by someone I knew who I'd actually gone out on a few dates with. It started out as consensual sex and then suddenly it wasn't. It really sucked.
- •Last time I was tested: Columbus Day 2015It's how he would've wanted me to celebrate, you guys. I even wrote a list about how the stigma around getting tested needs ta GO: REASONS WHY GETTING STD TESTED NEEDS TO LOSE THE STIGMA
- •Craziest place I've ever hooked up: bathroom of a Thai restaurant in Times SquareIt was only a handy and oh yeah, I'm disgusting, you guys.
- •Have I ever had a one-night stand: onceIt was one of the rare times I was drunk and I'm not the biggest fan of drunk sex, so I actually got up in the middle of it and left, haha.
- •Longest I've gone without sex: 5 yearsCrazy, right?
- •Have I ever had group sex (threesomes, etc): nopeNothing against it! Just not interested. I only have two hands, you guys.
- •How many times I've had unintentional unprotected sex: 2It happens. I took all the necessary precautions afterwards, but still REALLY beat myself up about it.
- •Have I ever contracted an STD: nopeClean as a whistle. (But no judgment at ALL towards anyone who has--I recognize that the stigma is a very dumb one.)
- •Have I ever hooked up with someone of the same gender: nah, just making outBecause I went to college and that's just what you do when you're a freshman, okay?
- •Preferred methods of protection: birth control pill and condomsI've been on Yaz since I was 16 (and no, I'm not going to die even though the commercials from your local lawyers say I am). Ain't NOTHIN' getting housed up in this uterus anytime soon. My uterus practically has police tape in an X patrern across it, you guys.
- •How many times I've had a pregnancy scare: once (and it was so traumatizing it will NEVER happen again)I had unprotected sex during my ovulation period while finishing up a round of antibiotics (a HUGE no-no if you're on the pill; antibiotics can render your birth control pill ineffective). Then my period was 3 days late. I hope you never know the joy of feeling like you got your period at work, dragging your work wife Caroline into a bathroom stall and then crying when you see red in the toilet. It felt like I'd won the goddamn lottery. Learned my lesson BIG TIME.
- •Longest sexual relationship: hahahahahaI'm working on this, you guys. I promise!