An easy-to-follow guide for @furtadomf and @dave, who have tried to set me up with a couple of limp dicks recently (I did not agree to go out with either). Also for @bobbyhundreds who is mailing me a dude for Christmas since he never followed through on mailing me 18 pounds of leftover Halloween candy. I THOUGHT WE WERE FRIENDS.
  1. Nose rings
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    This is how @avaught and I communicate. (I ended up unmatching this kid because he was boring as hell.) I am a fucking SUCKER for a nose ring.
  2. Dudes in therapy
    People who engage in self-care: I want you.
  3. Scorpios
    Shit. Shit. Shit. I LOVE 'EM, BUT THEY'RE BAD FOR ME, WHICH, CONSEQUENTLY, IS THE EXACT THE SAME FEELING I HAVE TOWARDS PIZZA.
  4. Tattoos
    Even if it's just one. I wanna lick it.
  5. Brunettes
    I don't date blondes.
  6. That hairstyle where it's short on the sides and long and floppy on top
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    Also, I want to date Michael Pitt.
  7. Big lips
    See Michael Pitt obsession above
  8. Dad bods
    I don't go for skinny skinny. I need something to hold onto.
  9. Self-loathers
    I HAVE ENOUGH CONFIDENCE FOR THE TWO OF US
  10. Dudes who ignore me
    I always want what I can't have. Then I'll dump your ass.