1. Flavortown
  2. My boyfriend's dick
    aka Flavortown
  3. I'm dating Guy Fieri, you guys.
  4. We met at a fried chicken convention.
  5. He said he liked my legs while pointing to the chicken legs I was holding in each hand.
  6. And I was like, "That was vaguely misogynistic, Guy, and I don't appreciate it."
  7. And then he said he liked my wings and I was like, "That doesn't even make sense and you know it. I'm not eating any wings. Also, the obvious joke here is to say something about breasts. We're at a fried chicken convention."
  8. And he leans in and goes "I don't go for the obvious joke. I'm mysterious."
  9. Then my phone buzzes.
  10. And it's just the 😏 emoji about 35 times in a row.
  11. And it's signed Guy Feeyerry.
  12. And I'm like, "How did you get my number. Also, how do you spell your own name wrong? Lastly, who signs their own texts? This isn't 2004."
  13. And he goes, "But what if it was?"
  14. I'm like, "What?"
  15. And that's when Guy Fieri shows me his time machine.
  16. He explains the Food Network personality thing is all a front so that the US government doesn't suspect him of discovering time travel.
  17. And so naturally, I'm skeptical and I'm like, "Prove it."
  18. And Guy smiles and me and tells me to look down.
  19. And so I do and realize I'm wearing a Juicy Couture tracksuit.
  20. It really is 2004.
  21. I'm so impressed that I start dating Guy Fieri.
  22. But what he doesn't know is that I'm actually using him to go back in time so I don't get blonde highlights that I got in 2008.
  23. I looked really bad with those highlights.
  24. This list has been brought to you by sleep deprivation.
  25. Also, to answer the list request: Italy.