I can't be the only one who freaks out like this. (And the dumbest part is that STDs have a weird stigma for no reason so even if I *did* ever contract an illness I'm paranoid about WHO CARES PEOPLE LIVE WITH THEM EVERY DAY)
- •That panic the day after you give a blowjob and you have a sore throat.IT'S GONORRHEA IT HAS TO BE (or maybe you just had a dick in your throat, Dana, you idiot)
- •Bruised lips from aggressive making outImmediately I saw that dark spot and was like HERPES (and then I realized that the incubation period for herpes isn't ONE DAY and that the dude I was sucking face with bites a lot 😍)
- •Canker soresOH GOD I HAVE HERPES (Canker sores and cold sores aren't the same thing, Dana, you big fuckin' dipshit)
- •Related: every time I've bitten the inside of my cheekTHIS WEIRD BUMP MUST BE HERPES (Dana, you need to calm down)
- •A single itchCRABS
- •Getting a yeast infection after unprotected sexTHIS IS IT. I HAVE EIGHT STDS NOW. MY VAGINA IS GONNA FALL OFF.
- •Your period is late by a day even though you used 2 methods of protectionDEFINITELY PREGNANT
- •Vaginal razor burn/ingrown hairs/any bump of any kindWelp. I'm covered in genital warts now. That has to be it. We had a good run, body.
- •Falling asleep before you get a chance to pee and your first thought upon waking is praying that you just didn't contract a UTIEvery time I forget to pee after sex
- •When someone fucks your hip out if alignment and you dread going to the chiropractor because he'll ask what happenedMy chiropractor is a family friend and every time I tell him I "did something weird in yoga" I feel TERRIBLE
- •Going to the beach after someone bit your thighs for 4 hours the night before #subproblems[me wearing a bathing suit] Stranger: "What happened to your legs?!" Me: "I fell down eleven flights of stairs."