Post-sex paranoia

I can't be the only one who freaks out like this. (And the dumbest part is that STDs have a weird stigma for no reason so even if I *did* ever contract an illness I'm paranoid about WHO CARES PEOPLE LIVE WITH THEM EVERY DAY)
  1. That panic the day after you give a blowjob and you have a sore throat.
    IT'S GONORRHEA IT HAS TO BE (or maybe you just had a dick in your throat, Dana, you idiot)
  2. Bruised lips from aggressive making out
    Immediately I saw that dark spot and was like HERPES (and then I realized that the incubation period for herpes isn't ONE DAY and that the dude I was sucking face with bites a lot 😍)
  3. Canker sores
    OH GOD I HAVE HERPES (Canker sores and cold sores aren't the same thing, Dana, you big fuckin' dipshit)
  4. Related: every time I've bitten the inside of my cheek
    THIS WEIRD BUMP MUST BE HERPES (Dana, you need to calm down)
  5. A single itch
    CRABS
  6. Getting a yeast infection after unprotected sex
    THIS IS IT. I HAVE EIGHT STDS NOW. MY VAGINA IS GONNA FALL OFF.
  7. Your period is late by a day even though you used 2 methods of protection
    DEFINITELY PREGNANT
  8. Vaginal razor burn/ingrown hairs/any bump of any kind
    Welp. I'm covered in genital warts now. That has to be it. We had a good run, body.
  9. Falling asleep before you get a chance to pee and your first thought upon waking is praying that you just didn't contract a UTI
    Every time I forget to pee after sex
  10. When someone fucks your hip out if alignment and you dread going to the chiropractor because he'll ask what happened
    My chiropractor is a family friend and every time I tell him I "did something weird in yoga" I feel TERRIBLE
  11. Going to the beach after someone bit your thighs for 4 hours the night before #subproblems
    [me wearing a bathing suit] Stranger: "What happened to your legs?!" Me: "I fell down eleven flights of stairs."