SAYING GOODBYE TO TOM BATTEN

I know this title is a little misleading because I'm making it seem like he died. @tombatten didn't die, you guys. (Although sometimes I wish he would so he'd stop gloating that he has 300 more followers than I do.) It's just that my vacation visiting him in Virginia is now over and I have a few things to say.
  1. I learned that if I make plans to meet a straight man off the internet and travel 8 hours to do so, literally everyone I know will ask if he's murdered me yet.
  2. Aaaaaaaaand this one.
  3. And this one before I left, compliments of my main ho @dave.
  4. I learned so much about Virginia, too! Not only where it is on a US map, but that it's NOT okay to yell "YAY, SPORTS!" in a crowded Buffalo Wild Wings on a Saturday night during a football game.
    I almost got us killed.
  5. However, I was happy that when I walked into a Barnes & Noble in a belly shirt, leather pants and Doc Martens and proceeded to ask where I could find a copy of the kama sutra, no one batted a fucking eye.
    You live in a good town, Tom.
  6. I wasn't sure if I could eat a cheesesteak, a $10 bag of loose candy, popcorn, a funnel cake, a hot chocolate, smoke two Camels and not throw up after going on six amusement park rides, but I didn't because you believed in me.
    Thank you for believing in me, @tombatten.
  7. I learned that Tom screaming, "WHERE IS MY SON?! JEREMY. JEREMY?!!!!!!!" while walking around a crowded Busch Gardens will never not be funny.
    We're both going to hell.
  8. Thank you for agreeing to play a game with me only to have me demand that you give me the prize after you won it.
    His name is Mr. Gobstopper and we're in love.
  9. I also learned that if you walk around Busch Gardens in a children's XL leopard print coat from Target while holding a stuffed animal jack o'lantern, the costumed actors will literally go out of their way to scare you.
    I was a goddamn MAGNET, you guys.
  10. Thank you for putting up with me crying 3 times in 4 days because I have feelings of being overwhelmed and general anxiety that hit me at the most inopportune times.
    Plus, my sun is in Aries, my moon is in Scorpio, my Mercury is in Pisces and my rising sign is Cancer. I HAVE SO MUCH WATER AND EMOTION INSIDE ME AT ALL TIMES. Also, thanks for putting up with me asking everyone we encountered what their sign is. I know it's annoying and weird.
  11. Thank you for taking me to Mellow Mushroom even if it was solely to get me to shut up because I literally would not stop talking about it.
    WE DON'T HAVE THOSE IN NEW YORK AND I LOVE THEM SO MUCH, YOU GUYS.
  12. I'm sorry your cholesterol level rose 59 points while I was visiting because I have the diet of a small child at a birthday party.
  13. I'm sorry your dog likes me more than you now.
    This picture is practically a recreation of Madonna and child.
  14. I'm sorry I talked about blowjobs with your mom over coffee at 10am (she said once she hit 60 she stopped giving them because they're too much work) and freaked out when your mom's friend Patty announced that she didn't enjoy receiving oral sex.
    Patty hasn't really LIVED, you guys.
  15. I'm sorry I stole 3 of your cigarettes.
    You're such a bad influence on me. (I haven't smoked a cig in 5 years, btw.)
  16. I'm sorry I danced around and sang along LOUDLY in every place we went that had music on (Mellow Mushroom, Target, the 80s rock pumping through the speakers at Busch Gardens).
    It was kind of obnoxious. I'll admit that.
  17. My only regret is that I didn't fuck your dad.
  18. Okay, for real, as much as I relentlessly annoy you, I feel incredibly privileged to be your friend and I'm really gonna miss you, bud.
    (Barely.)
  19. THE LIST APP: BRINGING NEW FRIENDS TOGETHER SINCE LIKE 3 WEEKS AGO