SEXUAL PET PEEVES

  1. Guys who finger you like they're learning to play guitar after a 3-day coke binge
    Slow. The fuck. DOWN.
  2. The girls I went to high school with who had anal because vaginal sex was sinful
    Because, yeah, that's totally less intimate. 🙄 You're saved now, but if a dude takes a dick, THAT'S a sin? I can't with y'all. I can't.
  3. Women who perpetuate the hymen myth out of ignorance
    I used to edit romances for a living. The number of FEMALE writers who perpetuate the myth in their books is ASTOUNDING. (I always made them change their scenes and would not approve such garbage to be included in the final printed book.)
  4. Straight guys who are intimidated by sex toys
    If your masculinity is threatened by a two-inch battery-operated piece of plastic, you didn't have much of it to begin with.
  5. People who don't invest in good lube
    Get away from me with your KY bullshit. Junky trash lube, that's what that is.
  6. Stores that lock up condoms
    "There are too many people on the planet, why are they locking them up? They should be GIVING them away." - Coco Peru
  7. Dudes that say or do things that they've CLEARLY seen in a porno
    WE KNOW WHEN YOU'RE DOING IT AND IT'S ANNOYING SLASH I WILL LAUGH VERY HARD AT YOU AND NOT CARE
  8. Dudes who push my head or hands near their genitals.
    I will bite it off and throw it in a river. Watch me.
  9. Abstinence-only education (and misinformation)
    Any district who teaches this shit (or doesn't teach anything at all) is doing its students an incredible disservice. Fuuuuuuuck you.