SO YOU WANNA GET RID OF DEM TITTIES (AKA MY BREAST REDUCTION ADVICE)

Seeing all these big boob lists got me like...
  1. 3 years ago, I got a breast reduction. It was the best thing I've ever done for myself (my insurance at the time was BALLER and I paid maaaaaybe $300 out of pocket). Here are some insider tips.
  2. Find a good surgeon. I've heard that in regards to breast reductions in particular, the amount of pain you're in post-surgery is a reflection of the skill of your surgeon. So don't Craigslist this shit.
    My surgeon was Dr. Douglas Roth in Mt. Kisco, NY and he was the most awesome doctor ever. This surgeon is so fucking amazing I STILL talk about him like I'm earning commission.
  3. Insurance will be a pain in the ass. But it IS doable.
    If you go to physical therapy, acupuncture, and/or a chiropractor for back or neck pain, document dat shit. You gotta build a case that your reduction is medically necessary.
  4. You cannot tell your doctor how big/small you want to be.
    I legit went into the office with my size 36DDDs and was like, "Get these off of me. Make me an A cup for all I care." But the truth is I left with large Cs. The doctor will remove as much fat from the tissue that he/she can, but they won't remove any muscle. They won't know how much muscle is there exactly until you're under the knife.
  5. Take arnica montana (supplement you can get at any health food store or Amazon). Dissolve five pellets under tongue 3x day every day for a week up until surgery, then for a week post-surgery.
    I did this and ended up taking exactly ZERO of the pain pills I was prescribed post-surgery. I am not joking. Those pellets are miracle workers.
  6. Your nipples will be physically removed from your body and repositioned.
    People think that for the breast lift part of the procedure, the breast is physically lifted, but it's not. They just move the nipples up so that the breast APPEARS lifted.
  7. FOR THE LOVE OF GOD DON'T SMOKE PRE OR POST-SURGERY. Because your nipples are physically removed and then reattached to your body, the nips gotta get blood flow. Anything that restricts blood flow (smoking!) can cause the tissue to die.
    Do you want to go to all the trouble of getting your tits done and not end up with nipples? Didn't think so. Don't fuck around with this advice, you guys.
  8. There will be drains. Oh god, there will be drains.
    There's a little hole near your armpit where the stitches stop--drains will be inserted there. They collect any post surgery fluid/blood. A nurse will empty them every few hours and it is the thing nightmares are made of. Thankfully, you'll be too doped up to notice the M. Night Shyamalan movie unfolding before you.
  9. Your tits will be covered in prickly stitches that look like train tracks. Do not look at them for the first time with no one around.
    The first time I saw my naked Frankentitties while standing in front of a mirror, I fainted.
  10. You will wear post-surgery bras all day and all night for 8 weeks. You will not be able to wear underwire bras for 6 months. Wireless is the name of the game.
    And you will realize HOLY SHIT WHY HAVEN'T I BEEN WEARING WIRELESS BRAS MY ENTIRE LIFE THESE ARE SO COMFORTABLE. I didn't buy my first underwire bra until a few years after the surgery solely because I didn't miss 'em.
  11. Be consistent with applying your antibacterial ointment to your stitches.
    Even though I was really good about it, one of my stitches got infected. Treating infected stitches is DISGUSTING. Do your best to avoid this scenario.
  12. You can't lift your arms over your head for about a month.
    Showering involves being on your knees and bending over in order to wash your hair. Wear zip up sweatshirts, robes, or have someone help dress you.
  13. Once you're healed, you won't be able to stop flashing your beautiful breasts to everyone you meet.
    It'll be like Mardi Gras 24/7, you guys. It's been three years and I STILL can't stop doing it.