My friends @JonMarsh, @DontKyOutLoud and I watched Showgirls at 11am. There was bacon and bagels and 🌳 involved aka the best idea my boys have ever had.
  1. Look at these beautiful bastards. The one with the beard is single and has never met a dick he hasn't liked!
  2. How Jon knows he's under the influence: "I'm very aware of my thighs right now."
  3. Jon to me: "What's the biggest penis you've never choked on?"
    We were talking about gag reflexes.
  4. Jon: "Dicks with heads disproportionately smaller than the rest of them look like Beetlejuice at the end of Beetlejuice."
  5. Kyle: "I look like I'd be the one white person in a Tyler Perry movie."
    Jon and I agreed.
  6. Jon: "How could you put something so stupid in your mouth?" Me: "Do you know how many times I've been asked that?"
  7. We came up with a new comeback: "Stop teasing my dick, you guys!"
    Intended to be said to someone who's annoying you.
  8. "Is there any cock in this movie?" - Kyle
  10. Jon: "Honey Badger Vance is a great Halloween costume. You wear a rodent costume with a 1920s golf outfit."
  11. Kyle: "I thought of a new way to say you've got to poop: 'I've got a taxi coming.'"
  12. Jon to me: "Can I put your hair in a million tiny braids later?"
  13. This motherfucker did.
  14. We sent my mom (@LisaMaria) a video of me and Jon singing "'I have to braid you, I have to braid you like I should" along to to "Praise You" by Fatboy Slim. And she knew the JIG WAS UP.
  15. I love my boys.