THINGS I ASK MYSELF WHILE DATING

This is probably the hardest list I've ever written and I think I just needed to put it out into the universe. I always ask myself the same fucking questions and it's incredibly annoying how my brain never stops.
  1. 1.
    Do I need someone as crazy/fun as I am or do I need someone really laid back who brings me back down to earth?
    I think I'm finally coming to terms with the fact that a guy as weird as I am does not exist and what I really need is someone who is dependable and has a good heart.
  2. 2.
    How do I keep myself from bouncing into the future and thinking about a month, six months, a year from now?
  3. 3.
    This person has only seen my good side. Will he be okay when I show him the shittier parts of my personality?
    For me, impatience and control issues being the top two?
  4. 4.
    Will this person lose patience with me when they see I still suffer from anxiety no matter how hard I fight it?
    Poor @amber while I was waiting for her to show up to brunch yesterday. I get very weird about being on time and I fully recognize that it's AWFUL.
  5. 5.
    Will this person be made uncomfortable by how I cry when I get angry/frustrated?
    And I have ZERO control over it.
  6. 6.
    Do I need to tone my personality down to get someone to like me? Or should I put it all out there? (I'm scared to do that because I don't know if anyone can handle me at 100%.)
    I know I'm very boisterous and blunt as hell; will I embarrass you? If so, will you care or will you just accept it?
  7. 7.
    Will this person be okay knowing that I have a VERY fucked up past? Will he be able to not judge me for it?
    Oh, I dunno, I used to smoke weed and run out of random dudes' apartments, I've been to rehab, I've been sexually assaulted, I was REALLY bad at taking care of myself until I got diagnosed with an autoimmune disease. JOIN THE PARTY.
  8. 8.
    Will this person be intimidated by the fact that when I love, I love very deeply and that's why I'm so good at pushing people away?
    Like, I should at least have a Bachelors in that skill, you guys.
  9. 9.
    Will this person be okay with me prioritizing taking care of myself over any relationship?
    If I need to go to a therapy appointment, a yoga class, or just need to lie in bed and not talk to anyone in order for me to remain physically/mentally healthy, I will. These things keep me in a good place. If I don't do these things, I can't be a good partner.
  10. 10.
    Will this person be okay with how open and honest I am at all times?
    At first it's charming, refreshing even, but then it can be very overwhelming.
  11. 11.
    Will this person be okay with the fact that if we break up they'll never hear from me again?
    Breakups hit me surprisingly hard even though I put on this front that I'm a tough bitch most of the time.
  12. 12.
    Will this person be okay with the fact that one of my best friends is a straight man?
    @tombatten read through this list as I was drafting it. He is legit my only straight male friend and he's not going anywhere anytime soon. Hear that, Batten? That's what's called a THREAT.
  13. 13.
    Will this person ever get annoyed by my sense of child-like wonder and curiosity? Will they suddenly no longer be down to go on adventures with me?
    Because I'm not going to stop being the way I am and the way I am includes me finding a drum in the home furnishings section of a TJ Maxx and going around beating it while singing a song I just made up.
  14. 14.
    While we're on the subject, will this person mistake my fun-loving attitude and (ahem) rich dating past as an inability or disinterest in pursuing something serious?
  15. 15.
    Why is having no control over how another person feels about you SO FUCKING SCARY?
    It's like each of you is holding the control to a bomb which either of you could detonate at any moment.
  16. 16.
    Will this person be okay with the fact that writing and sharing openheartedly with others is how I process things?
    But the truth is the only reason I do it is because I know it has the capacity to help others. I know I'm not the first person to ask myself these questions and I won't be the last. Maybe someone will read this and feel like they're not alone.✌🏻️
  17. 17.
    UPDATE: Don't you DARE think that after posting this shit I wasn't so unbelievably freaked out that I didn't go around asking my friends if I was crazy for being waaaaay too open.
    @MCWillZ: There is a reason I have a tattoo for this bitch.
  18. 18.
    Aaaaand @tombatten because duh.
  19. 19.
    @LisaMaria for the win.