THINGS I DON'T MISS ABOUT HAVING BULIMIA
All right, kids. Time to take a break from List App this week so I can start my book (which takes place in an eating disorder rehab) without any distractions. SO excited and SO scared [cue Jessie Spano caffeine pill freakout-level of anxiety], but this little writing exercise put me in the right frame of mind!
- •Two words: chipmunk cheeks. Bulimics know what I mean.When you forcefully puke over and over again, your face and upper neck swell. A lot. (When I entered recovery, I found that I actually have cheekbones, you guys. Who knew?)
- •Spending hours tearing through my closet, deciding everything I own doesn't look good on me and throwing PILES of clothes on the floor that would take HOURS to clean up.
- •Spending birthdays puking up pizza and cake into trash bags I hid in my bedroom closet.
- •Only being able to have sex by completely shutting down and not being present and pretending I was floating outside my body.And praying that it would be over as soon as possible.
- •Working out from 10 to 11pm on school nights because that's when the gym was the least populated and then having to wake up at 5:45am the next morning.
- •Having "fat attacks."It's when your brain, completely out of nowhere, is suddenly like OH GOD I'M HIDEOUS I CAN'T BE SEEN IN PUBLIC and you run out on the guy you're making out with to go chain-smoke in your car and drive around for miles and miles and miles until your gas light comes on.
- •Laxative addiction.Do I really need to elaborate on this one?
- •That thing when you're at a mall and your friend is getting food for the both of you and you sit in the food court to save your seats and you squirm around like a motherfucker because you feel like EVERYONE IS LOOKING AT YOU.Was that just me? Okay.
- •When I'd wash off my makeup at the end of the night and forget that I had coverup on to hide the broken capillaries around my eyes and then had that squeeze of panic if I ran into anyone.I would try to make my hair fall in front of my face.
- •The ups and downs in weight. I've been 108lbs and 190lbs and evvvvvvvverything in between.Sound exhausting? It was.
- •Taking psychiatric meds from age 17 to 18 and feeling suicidal as a result.Fun fact: SSRIs are known to cause suicidal thoughts in people under the age of 25. Sooooo... that was fun. Hello, psych ward!
- •Being absolutely CONVINCED I'd never get recovered and accepting that I'd always be bulimic.8 years recovered, homie. Take THAT, mental illness! Bulimia, you are now my bitch.🖕🏻