All right, kids. Time to take a break from List App this week so I can start my book (which takes place in an eating disorder rehab) without any distractions. SO excited and SO scared [cue Jessie Spano caffeine pill freakout-level of anxiety], but this little writing exercise put me in the right frame of mind!
  1. Two words: chipmunk cheeks. Bulimics know what I mean.
    When you forcefully puke over and over again, your face and upper neck swell. A lot. (When I entered recovery, I found that I actually have cheekbones, you guys. Who knew?)
  2. Spending hours tearing through my closet, deciding everything I own doesn't look good on me and throwing PILES of clothes on the floor that would take HOURS to clean up.
  3. Spending birthdays puking up pizza and cake into trash bags I hid in my bedroom closet.
  4. Only being able to have sex by completely shutting down and not being present and pretending I was floating outside my body.
    And praying that it would be over as soon as possible.
  5. Working out from 10 to 11pm on school nights because that's when the gym was the least populated and then having to wake up at 5:45am the next morning.
  6. Having "fat attacks."
    It's when your brain, completely out of nowhere, is suddenly like OH GOD I'M HIDEOUS I CAN'T BE SEEN IN PUBLIC and you run out on the guy you're making out with to go chain-smoke in your car and drive around for miles and miles and miles until your gas light comes on.
  7. Laxative addiction.
    Do I really need to elaborate on this one?
  8. That thing when you're at a mall and your friend is getting food for the both of you and you sit in the food court to save your seats and you squirm around like a motherfucker because you feel like EVERYONE IS LOOKING AT YOU.
    Was that just me? Okay.
  9. When I'd wash off my makeup at the end of the night and forget that I had coverup on to hide the broken capillaries around my eyes and then had that squeeze of panic if I ran into anyone.
    I would try to make my hair fall in front of my face.
  10. The ups and downs in weight. I've been 108lbs and 190lbs and evvvvvvvverything in between.
    Sound exhausting? It was.
  11. Taking psychiatric meds from age 17 to 18 and feeling suicidal as a result.
    Fun fact: SSRIs are known to cause suicidal thoughts in people under the age of 25. Sooooo... that was fun. Hello, psych ward!
  12. Being absolutely CONVINCED I'd never get recovered and accepting that I'd always be bulimic.
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    8 years recovered, homie. Take THAT, mental illness! Bulimia, you are now my bitch.🖕🏻