THINGS I WILL NEVER BE ABLE TO DO IF I WANT TO STAY A RECOVERED PERSON

I was thinking about getting a FitBit for myself as a Christmas treat and then I was like, who the fuck are you kidding, Dana?
  1. Take ADHD medication
    Appetite suppressant.
  2. Drink coffee everyday
    Ditto.
  3. Keep a scale in my apartment
    I only get weighed when I go to the doctor's.
  4. Use a piece of cardio equipment that measures output on a regular basis
    I'll only use a treadmill/elliptical if there's literally nothing else available at the gym. Otherwise I exercise in ways that can't be quantified/measured: going for a hike, swimming, taking a dance class, walking, hula-hooping, yoga.
  5. Get a FitBit
    I think I'll buy myself a piece of jewelry instead.