THINGS ST. PETER WILL GIVE ME A LOOK FOR WHEN I DIE
This has been in my drafts folder for a really long time. Amen.
- •The fact that I have a separate Snapchat account whose sole purpose is dick pic solicitation.And I used to use it pretty regularly.
- •That handjob I gave in a Thai restaurant bathroom in Times SquareI took @amber to that restaurant once. I did not give her a handjob.
- •The topless pics I've sent to @tombattenI had pasties on. Calm down.
- •The actual topless pics I've sent to a lot of other people
- •Being stoned and sending a friend request on Facebook to the sex addict I used to fuckWtf is wrong with me
- •Having sex with that sex addict in broad daylight in a public park where children were present because we got locked out of his apartment.In my defense, we hid (mostly) behind a tree. And, like, sex addiction is real.
- •Hooking up in the back of cabs on two separate occasions, one of which I was topless.I feel so bad for those cab drivers.
- •Having someone in my life that I'll refer to as "webcam friend."When I'm single, I have a lot of fun, okay?
- •The pic I have on my phone where I faceswapped with a dick pic my friend received that's the worst dick pic I've ever seenI faceswapped with the head of the cock and so I look like a caterpillar. I call it the Danapillar and send it to her constantly. I'm pretty much a meme.
- •Every single Tinder/Bumble/OKC list I've ever written on li.stThis is one of those guys who—and I know we've all seen this, ladies—claimed to be a photographer and was looking for chicks to model for him. 🙄
- •I'm gonna get a lot of these looks when I die