THINGS ST. PETER WILL GIVE ME A LOOK FOR WHEN I DIE

This has been in my drafts folder for a really long time. Amen.
  1. 1.
    The fact that I have a separate Snapchat account whose sole purpose is dick pic solicitation.
    And I used to use it pretty regularly.
  2. 2.
    That handjob I gave in a Thai restaurant bathroom in Times Square
    I took @amber to that restaurant once. I did not give her a handjob.
  3. 3.
    The topless pics I've sent to @tombatten
    I had pasties on. Calm down.
  4. 4.
    The actual topless pics I've sent to a lot of other people
  5. 5.
    Being stoned and sending a friend request on Facebook to the sex addict I used to fuck
    Wtf is wrong with me
  6. 6.
    Having sex with that sex addict in broad daylight in a public park where children were present because we got locked out of his apartment.
    In my defense, we hid (mostly) behind a tree. And, like, sex addiction is real.
  7. 7.
    Hooking up in the back of cabs on two separate occasions, one of which I was topless.
    I feel so bad for those cab drivers.
  8. 8.
    Having someone in my life that I'll refer to as "webcam friend."
    When I'm single, I have a lot of fun, okay?
  9. 9.
    The pic I have on my phone where I faceswapped with a dick pic my friend received that's the worst dick pic I've ever seen
    I faceswapped with the head of the cock and so I look like a caterpillar. I call it the Danapillar and send it to her constantly. I'm pretty much a meme.
  10. 10.
    Every single Tinder/Bumble/OKC list I've ever written on li.st
    This is one of those guys who—and I know we've all seen this, ladies—claimed to be a photographer and was looking for chicks to model for him. 🙄
  11. 11.
    I'm gonna get a lot of these looks when I die