THINGS YOU COULD BE DOING INSTEAD OF HATING YOUR BODY

Practical advice. I hope you guys are taking notes.
  1. Paragliding
  2. Eating a 4-pound pot roast singlehandedly and Instagramming your progress as you do it
  3. Having your pussy licked or your dick sucked by an emphatically willing participant
  4. Teaming up with Nicholas Cage to steal the Declaration of Independence
  5. Getting measured for a custom inflatable sumo wrestling suit
  6. Looking at your calendar and figuring out how many days there are until Martin Luther King, Jr. Day
  7. Buying a fancy new handbag
  8. Rearranging all the signage at your local Ikea to confuse people
    And then getting some meatballs because, hey, you're already there.
  9. LITERALLY ANYTHING ELSE