1. My best friend from eating disorder rehab is getting married next month.
    She is also my only friend from rehab. It's almost impossible to remain friends with people from treatment because everyone gets better at their own pace.
  2. She asked me to be a bridesmaid, something I would NOT do for just anyone. But I'd do anything for this amazing woman.
  3. For dresses, she decided to just pick a color and the bridesmaids could buy whatever dress they wanted.
    I love this idea.
  4. But then she picked dark purple. For a SUMMER wedding. DO YOU KNOW HOW HARD IT IS TO FIND A DARK PURPLE SUMMER DRESS. DO YOU.
  5. So back in December, I bought a GORGEOUS Monique Lhullier gown that was on clearance (but still pretty pricey). I was a size 4 at the time and bought a size 6 because I knew my autoimmune disease was getting under control and that I'd gain the weight I really needed to gain back.
  6. Some background info: I am 9 years recovered from bulimia (and was disordered for 6 years). I also got diagnosed with an autoimmune disease last year that caused me to drop 40lbs in the span of 6 weeks. I kept losing and could NOT gain weight. It was scary as hell.
    This was me 9 mos ago.
  7. But then I got better! My meds got figured out and I gained weight back!
    This is what I look like now. 😊
  8. I'm now a size 8 and couldn't be happier.
  9. But. My dress is a size 6.
  10. lolololol
  11. And so when I tried it on last week, it did NOT fit.
  12. My first thought was "I have to lose a dress size in 5 weeks."
  13. "I'll exercise an hour every day until the wedding."
  14. "I'll cut out carbs."
  15. "I'll monitor my calorie intake."
  16. "Absolutely NO sugar."
  17. "I'll do this and this and THIS..."
  18. etc etc etc
  19. Then I stopped myself for a second.
  20. And realized, you know what? That will stress me the fuck out.
  21. If I do all those things, I'm signing myself up for 5 weeks of discomfort. I'll be thinking about every food that touches my lips and all the exercise classes I'd have to fit into my schedule. Every day for 35 days.
  22. That sounds like torture.
  23. PLUS it's summer! I wanna eat ice cream and a hot dog with a fucking bun and lie out on a beach towel instead of going to the gym if that's what I feel like doing!
  24. Because if I deny myself everything that I'd prefer to be doing (eating what I want and exercising when I want), then I'm going to go into the wedding with frantic, irritable energy instead of the usual outgoing, silly, READY TO PARTY energy I usually have.
  25. And I know my friend wants me to attend her wedding in a GREAT mental place. She cares more about seeing her crazy, fun friend Dana and not size 6 Dana.
  26. So you know what I did?
  27. I bought another fucking dress.
  28. For $20 on Ebay.
  29. And so if my body goes back to a size 6 by the end of July (which it may naturally), cool, I'll wear my original dress.
  30. And if it doesn't, then I'll wear my backup dress and sell my Monique Lhullier dress (that still has all the tags on it) at a bridal consignment shop.
  31. Because, at the end of the day, it's just a silly dress. And having a good time at my friend's wedding is more important to me than crash dieting or getting anxious over something that, in the long run, is meaningless.
  32. That is what 9 years of recovery looks like. 😉