TOP TEN MILESTONES IN MY SEX LIFE

  1. 1.
    First time fucking in reverse cowgirl: October 2015
    I'm an idiot for not trying this sooner. I was just nervous about anyone having an IMAX view of my asshole. I legit sent this picture to @olive right after, thanking her for encouraging me to spread my legs and fly. 💫 (The guy who took this picture literally fucked all my makeup off. LOOK HOW HAPPY I AM.)
  2. 2.
    Best sex I've ever had in my entire life: April 2015
    1) It was my birthday. 2) I was stoned. 3) There was D'Angelo playing. 4. He got off on giving oral. 5. He was incredibly good at it. 6. All I had to do was lay there.
  3. 3.
    Loudest queef: August 2015
    Fuckin' post-doggy-style pullouts, man. I swear to God.
  4. 4.
    First (and ONLY, thank Christ) sex-related illness: also August 2015 (I got a kidney infection--which is essentially a UTI gone rogue--from unprotected oral)
    I probably deserved it after such an epic queef, tbh.
  5. 5.
    First time tasting a flavored condom: October 2015
    You can find that story here: FLAVORED CONDOMS: RANKED AND REVIEWED
  6. 6.
    Most fun sex: October 2015
  7. 7.
    Most awkward sex: October 2014
    He had a big ol' dick and NO idea how to use it. He also spanked me out of nowhere and I wasn't expecting it at all and started laughing uncontrollably. I knew he was only doing it because he had seen it in porn. (Men, WE CAN TELL WHEN YOU'RE DOING THAT. Stahp it.)
  8. 8.
    Smallest dick I've ever seen: November 2015
    He was nice though! I was just... unprepared. And kinda wanted to take a Polaroid picture of it and put it in my scrapbook. I also wanted to write "LYLAS" in its yearbook, you know what I mean?
  9. 9.
    Biggest dick I've ever seen: April 2005
    The guy I lost my virginity to gave me VERY unrealistic expectations for YEARS afterward. It was legit the length of my forearm. 17yo Dana's face melted like that one scene in Indiana Jones.
  10. 10.
    When I found out I was DEFINITELY allergic to latex: March 2015
    My pussy legit looked like Ernie from Sesame Street. I had to sleep with an icepack on my vagina.