WHY I'M NOT FRIENDS WITH ANY OF MY EXES

  1. Today, my darling @olive asked me why I'm not friends with any of my exes.
  2. Okay. Now I will fully admit that I meet all the guys I date on Bumble. Because even though I'm pretty social, my social activities include an all-female book club, all-female dance classes, mostly-female yoga classes, mostly-female choir, and sober raves (where the point is to dance and not hit on people at 7 in the morning).
  3. And I can't drink (stomach issuez, doctor's orders), so I don't really go to bars.
  4. Aaaaaaaand Tinder is gross.
  5. So when I first start talking to men on apps, I wouldn't exactly say I'm "nice."
  6. I have written so many lists about how I talk to dudes on apps. Like this one: HOW GREAT I AM AT FLIRTING ON TINDER
  7. And there are a bunch of others, but I'll stop boring you now.
  8. So, you could argue that I'm kind of an asshole.
  9. But the reason I'm an asshole is that it helps me weed out the people who can handle my energy and those who cannot.
  10. Because, in my day-to-day life, I'm kind of loud and very blunt and like to joke around with people and if you can't handle that... bye.
  11. But anyway, if you do make it past the asshole-ish weeding out phase, it means I really like you.
  12. And I'll start being nice to you.
  13. I recently said to someone that my two factory settings are "I'll take a bullet for you" or "You're dead to me." There's no in-between.
  14. And so when things don't work out, I feel like I wasted so much time breaking down that wall for someone who didn't deserve it. And it makes me question my own judgement of character and that feeling is downright icky.
  15. Because when I care about you, I'm loyal as fuck, fun as fuck, giving as fuck. I also don't play any games. I don't want drama. I never fight. I will always talk things out. I will always be there for you.
  16. So it feels like 1) You didn't understand how hard it was for me to allow you into my life. I don't grant access to many people. And the reason I have a small, select group of friends is because I put so much energy into my relationships.
  17. And 2) You didn't understand the magnitude of what I could have offered you. And for Dana Maria, that means: an insane amount of sex, someone who is self-sufficient and won't rely on you in any sense of the word, so many adventures (I get bored easily), someone who isn't jealous by nature, and someone who will ALWAYS be there for you.
  18. So when a man fucks things up with me, it feels like he missed out on a GOLDEN opportunity. I've only offered a committed relationship to 2 people in my entire life. So if you ever get that offer--or were on your way to getting that offer--you were VERY lucky.
  19. Because the chance of being in a relationship with me is roughly the same chance you have of being struck by lightning in the middle of the Mohave desert while being pegged by Hillary Clinton with the biggest strap-on EVER as you fly/fuck on the back of a majestic pegasus in the middle of a snowstorm at 3 o'clock in the morning.
    Aka "the witching hour"
  20. And so, my feeling, as immature as this sounds, is that if you fucked that opportunity up while you had the chance... it means you're kind of dumb.
  21. And I'm not friends with dumb people.
  22. And so that's why I'm not friends with any of my exes.