WORST DATES OF 2015: RANKED

I dated a bunch of fuckin' WINNERS this year, lemme tell you.
  1. 1.
    Asked what I did for a living and I told him I was an editor. Replied, "I hope you don't edit those books I see black people reading on the subway." I wish I were kidding. I put down a ten-dollar bill on the table for my drink and walked out.
  2. 2.
    St. Patrick's Day. I got very drunk. Went back to his place and 1) he SHUSHED me because he didn't want his roommate to hear then put his hand over my mouth so I bit him 2) complained that the condom was "too tight" (bitch, PLEASE--his dick was average at best). I was like "no condom, no me" and walked out.
    I was putting on my shoes when he tried to put his naked dick near my forehead and I slapped it away.
  3. 3.
    Said he'd come over and cook me dinner. Texted me last-minute to ask if I could pick up the groceries because he was running late. Then I realized he asked me to buy everything because he was BROKE AS SHIT AND WANTED A FREE MEAL.
    This is why I no longer date actors.
  4. 4.
    I gave him a handy in the bathroom of a Thai restaurant in Times Square.
    Breaking news: I'm disgusting.
  5. 5.
    Saw "The Last 5 Years"-- a musical about divorce. AS A FIRST DATE.
    This one was actually pretty hilarious and we made out the entire time.