IF JEWISH MOMS WERE THE SUPERFRIENDS
Moms, they've had our backs from day one and jewish moms in particular never quite stop mothering. If you're anything like me and you grew up in a jewish household, motherly appreciation was instilled at an early age. Here's a list of all the super jew alter egos you may encounter at one point or another.
- •The KvetcherShe hears you complaining and she doesn't care. Boasting super hearing, the Kvetcher has been whipping you into shape from an early age. She can hear you complaining at the Passover Seder kids table, with just one passive aggressive stare you learned to silence yourself. Fearing public humiliation or the the time our corner, the Kvetcher taught you to suck it up and behave. My advice: keep your head low when the Kvetcher is around kiddos.
- •The NosherThe Nosher is responsible for making sure that you leave home after any visit about 5 pounds heavier. The Nosher's powers lie in her usage of mostly force, somewhat in her ability to force feed. An expert cook or deli navigator, the Nosher makes sure that you'll never have to leave without leftovers to freeze for the next month and a half.
- •Matzah MamaMatzah Mama appears occasionally, seasonably and only around Passover. Acting as somewhat of a Hermes, she's a messenger that feels responsible for sending packages of yeast-free treats to your house. Each year a package mysterious appears on your door step in order to make sure that you're set for a challenging gluten free week.
- •The Goyim GobblerExisting as somewhat of a manipulator, the Goyim Gobbler tries to set you up on dates with Debbie's son Dr. David Finklestein as opposed to Chad Jackson Wells III. Desiring jewish off spring, the Goyim Gobber has plenty of non jewish friends, yet exclusively wants to eliminate non jewish suitors. While she knows that she's crazy and says she doesn't care. Subconsciously she has a desire to control your life and ultimately influence over your potential jewish spouse.
- •The MatchmakerSimilarly to the Goyim Gobbler, the Matchmaker is a bit more intense. The Matchmaker constantly suggests NJBs (Nice Jewish Boys) and has taken on a part time "hacking" career as she constantly trolls facebook looking after all of your Hebrew school friends mom's accounts. She does this in order to constantly remind you that Adam and Jonathan are still single. "Just give it a couple years Danni"
- •Mrs. Carpool SundaySchoolSteinMrs. Carpool SundaySchoolStein was the shit, she had the best snacks and made sure that you went to Hebrew school every Sunday. Incredibly social, SundaySchoolStein would pick you and your friends up early over springtime to skip siddur readings to get slurpees and play outside. Bottom line: she the coolest kosher mom.
- •Challah BackgirlChallah Backgirl's super powers lie in her hypnotic dance moves. Appearing exclusively at early 2000's bar and bat mitzahs. Challah Backgirl's is a bit of a wild card and when combined with an open bar and any Black Eyed Peas or Gwen Stefani songs. She becomes a dancing machine that may have to be carted home.
- •Mother MazelKnown to cry at every major celebration, Mother Mazel's powers lie in her ability to scream "MAZEL TOV" over and over again. She loves anything that is within increments of the Hebrew numbers (aka 18,36,54) and will NEVER show up to a party empty handed.
- •The HutspaThe Hutspa told you how to take a punch a give a punch. So what if Becky the bitch is bothering you in 2nd grade circle time. She taught you how to tell Becky where to put it and how to get there.
- •The Oy VeynquisherNeurotic and insane, the Oy Veynquisher makes you seem sane. The Oy Veynquisher freaks out about everything and is beyond paranoid. Although she only appears during times of crisis, the Oy Veynquisher will deem anything a crisis. Thus she appears too often. Growing up with the Oy Veynquisher has taught you that you can literally deal with any sort of crazy in your life.
- •The Shmuck SlayerThe Shmuck Slayer helps to boost their spawn's confidence by degrading and hating on anyone that has done the spawn wrong. Hating on ex boyfriends and shitty middle school girls, the Shmuck Slayer ensures that their spawn feels loved and that their haters will eventually feel some sort of karmic wrath.
- •The Jewish GuiltinatorUsing her psychic powers, the Jewish Gultonator will make you feel bad for just about anything. Whether you've missed a family holiday or have decided to not go to go law school, you'll feel her wrath throughout your life. What's worse is that she will teach you her ways you will utilize them eventually on your spawn.
- •The Bagel BuyerThis gal loves bagels and especially the New York kind. Comparable to professional food taster, she knows where to find the best bagels and makes sure to give you the insider's knowledge.
- •The GabberWhat looks like an innocent old lady in her bedazzled track suit is really a ruthless killer who will slay you by talking your ear off and never getting off the phone. At first, you'll think her multiple calls a day are gestures of love but soon realize they are her way of sucking you back into her wombs. She'll raise your hopes with "I don't want to keep you," and slam you down with, " but I just wanted to ask..." Don't get into a conversation with her, you may not get out alive!Suggested by @WhelmedDad