JEWISH MOTHERLY ADVICE

"You know David Feinberg, he won't marry her. She may be a gentile goddess but it won't last till Passover"
  1. 1.
    "Make sure that you keep the receipts for everything, you never know when you'll need them again"
    Aka become a hoarder
  2. 2.
    "If they don't like you, then fuck em"
    Great advice for when you're feeling down on your self esteem
  3. 3.
    "Make a Hanukkah Sweater! Christmas is overrated"
    Embrace who you are, after all who doesn't want 8 crazy nights y'all
  4. 4.
    "What do you mean you're not coming home for Yom Kippur, you know...we don't know how much longer we're going to have bubbie around"
    Know when to utilize the classic Jewish Guilt Trip
  5. 5.
    "Is he Jewish? It's always easier to marry a Jewish boy"
    translation: I think she's trying to say find someone with similar interest?
  6. 6.
    "What's his mother like? What's their address, I want to send flowers and a thank you note on behalf of our family"
    I made a quick pit stop, I didn't even brunch with them. Freddi's advice: Always roll out the red carpet.
  7. 7.
    "If you're going to host a social hour during services at synagogue, make sure to stand at the very back of the temple"
    Networking is great, just keep it classy and subtle
  8. 8.
    "We're not technically kosher, but I don't eat red meat or veal"
    Eating baby cows is mean, educate yourself about what you eat. Diet is important
  9. 9.
    "I want to send our money to PETA, they're saving the polar bears this month! Isn't that AMAZING"
    Always be the casual humanitarian
  10. 10.
    "You never know....he could be the next Mark Zuckerberg"
    Don't miss those golden opportunities
  11. 11.
    "I don't think there are enough Jews in the south, you can't live there"
    Make sure you're surrounded by nice people with similar backgrounds
  12. 12.
    "When are you moving back up north, you know, Philadelphia is a great city"
    TRANSLATION: Move closer to home to be near your mother
  13. 13.
    "Just remember, you are one of HIS chosen people"
    AKA you are a special snow flake, don't forget it
  14. 14.
    "How long was the cream cheese sitting out for, I don't think you should eat it"
    Don't risk getting sick for the little things
  15. 15.
    "WHAT DO YOU MEAN HE DOESN'T LIKE LATKES....they're basically just French fry cakes with apple sauce. What could be wrong with that?"
    Aka dump his ass
  16. 16.
    "Are you eating? You look like you should be eating more"
    Embrace your curves, they're the way to go