LIVE TWEETS THAT SHOULD NEVER EXIST

  1. Live tweeting each and every one of my daily breaths
    In. Out. In. Out. In. Out
  2. Live tweeting my Brazilian waxing session
    "Okay so the wax is on. This mission is a go. FULL STEAM AHEAD"
  3. Live tweeting a deeply painful bike crash
    "Guys OMG...this guy in front of me is biking like assheajdbajamdbsjamhyaz"
  4. Live tweeting a colonoscopy
    "Take a deep breath he said...this might pinch just a little"
  5. Live tweeting the mid-day lull at work
    "Barbara fucking jammed the paper in the printer again, dammit Barbara"
  6. Live tweeting a classified meeting with the FBI
    "Area 51 is real and we need you to come meet our supreme leader there...Elvis"
  7. Live tweeting my paint drying
    "The azure seems to be drying at the same rate as the beige, oh wow this so amaze"