ENOUGH WITH THE UNICORNS ALREADY

The horse with the single, sometimes spiral horn ... the magical, elusive steed surrounded by rainbows and shimmering stars ... ridden by fantasy maidens with flowing locks ... the subject of countless Lisa Frank glitter stickers.... Friends, they are not real. Can we all accept this and move on?
  1. Definitive proof that unicorns don't exist:
    Written by Shel Silverstein, and made into a hit by the Irish Rovers in 1968, The Unicorn song is all the evidence I need: https://youtu.be/_EPsuOEH1fY
  2. Where should we go from here?
    Accepting the truth is the most difficult step. Once accomplished, take comfort in knowing other creatures with pointy facial projections DO exist, and they are all magical in their own way. How about sending some glitter-rainbow love toward one of these deserving dwellers of land, sea, or air? (They were all smart enough to make the ark departure time, I must add.)
  3. Arabian Oryx
    When viewed from the side, the oryx's two horns appear as one, prompting many to believe this animal was what made people speak of a unicorn. Picture an etched mirror portraying this serene creature flying over a castle through pink cotton candy clouds glimmering in the golden rays of the sun. Yes, the oryx can be your new fantasy creature—but in real life.
  4. Narwahl
    Called the unicorn of the sea, narwhals are four thousand-plus pounds of Arctic joy and spirit. Imagine a foil-stamped birthday card with a wise and strong-yet-gentle narwhal, frolicking in an icy sea of shave ice flavor colors: grape, cherry, mango, blueberry, passionfruit, and lime. An ice sculpture castle stands nearby, with faux fur-enrobed ice maidens waving to the fanciful narwhal colony.
  5. Hummingbird
    Found in South America, the sword-billed hummingbird's bill is longer than its body! Picture this tiny, fantastical creature on a poster—suitable for framing—adorned with rainbow roses, glittery stars, and two ethereal faeries with long, flowing hair. And a castle.
  6. White Rhinoceros
    Even rhinos are aware they aren't the cutest, most cuddly unicorn lookalikes in the animal kingdom, but they insist their charm makes up for it. So, let's debut this unicorn replacement as a stuffed plush toy set, complete with pastel-hued rhino family, pink cottontail rabbits, exotic long tail birds, and a rainbow-colored candy castle playhouse.
  7. Let's get started!