Memorable Quotes From My Lost 1986 Teen Comedy "Boner High School"

In 1986 the production company Vestron Video gave me $75,000 to make a raunchy teen comedy. I wrote, directed, and starred as "Wiener," a horny nerd with a heart of gold. They never released it for reasons I do NOT agree with (*it made no sense, it was upsetting, there was no nudity, etc). Here are some highlights.
  1. "Suck gravy, dirtburger!"
    In this scene, the jocks take nerd sidekick Marvin behind an Old Country Buffet and pipe hot gravy down his throat as part of Prank Week. We had no stunt coordinators or stunt doubles. There were lawsuits.
  2. "What do YOU know about scooter racing, Moloney?"
    This was a long scene where our hero is put on the spot after being challenged to a scooter race that ended not with a thrilling race, but with a VERY long monologue about the actual physics that go into a scooter race. The whole scene was 30 minutes long. I refused to edit it down.
  3. "If there's grass on the field... hey that's my sister!!"
    This brave scene features Walrus and Auggie, two classic hornballs, ogling the volleyball team. Walrus checks out a girl from behind only to realize it's his sister Karen when she turns around. What follows is his complete mental collapse and a long unbroken single take of him visiting a therapist (played by Spalding Gray).
  4. "Those are some choice hi-tops. It'd be a shame if someone got honey mustard on them."
    This was from a scene where head nerd Wiener Peterson douses Tad Bungalow's Reebok's with a gallon of honey mustard and some of it gets in his eye and we have to shut down shooting for a day while we spend the day in urgent care with an actor who is not a team player.
  5. "You can tell Principal Francis that I don't really like homework. I mean, I'll do it, but I will NOT enjoy it!
    The studio told me my dialogue lacked "bite" or "attitude" but I don't know, look at that line! That character didn't like homework!
  6. "My folks are away at the ski lodge this weekend so you know what that means... I GET TO FEED THE CAT!!"
    A big studio note I retroactively agreed with was that at this point in the movie you'd think there'd be a huge house party with sex and drugs and nudity but instead we learn that our protagonist really likes his cat. A huge oversight. That one's on me.
  7. "Garçon, there’s a bikini babe in my foie gras!"
    Kind of a fun idea for a fantasy sequence about a class trip to Paris but we used real foie gras and went way over budget :(
  8. "You’re on, chump. Nobody challenges Tubbs Gustafson to a Twinkie eating contest. NO ONE!"
    This scene didn't even make it into the final cut because the actor playing "Tubbs" (Christopher Munt) died after the third take. Sadly, he was one Twinkie away from a Guinness record.
  9. "He’s dead! He’s fucking dead and I killed him!!! What have I done?????"
    The second act ends with a VERY dark sequence where the nerds murder a jock in cold blood and drag his body into the woods to bury him next to the creek where the cheerleaders skinny dip. I thought it was a powerful indictment of Reagan era America but the studio just said "seriously what the fuck is wrong with you? You owe us $75,000."
  10. "Wow, I never made it with a nun before. I better not make a habit out of it."
    Honestly I still think this is funny. Damn I'm a goddamn genius. Fuck this I'm gonna sell this movie to Hulu. It's fuckin' great.