1. About four years ago I was at a party talking to a friend of mine. She said, "there's a girl here I think you'd like." I said, "Okay, why do you think I'd like her?"
  2. "She's funny and cute. And quirky. Don't you like 'quirky' girls?"
  3. I could not deny this even though it made me feel super Braffy.
  4. (*Braffy - adj - the feeling you get when you're pretty sure you're the basic ass white guy protagonist in a shitty movie with a great soundtrack*)
  5. My friend pointed to her and sure enough, she was a cute girl in an ugly christmas sweater with brown hair and YES -- bangs. She told me to go over to her and to "just say hi and tell her you think you'd get along."
  6. I drank a beer really fast and walked over to her. She was standing by herself looking at some books on a bookshelf. "Hi, I'm Dave, I'm also a friend of Jen's. She thinks we'd get along."
  7. She looked at me with a sort of quizzical but mostly blank expression for a moment and then said in a completely monotone voice, "cool. I'm gonna go take a dump now." And with that, she walked away from me and into the bathroom, leaving me standing alone holding an empty solo cup.
  8. Time stretched out forever.
  9. I stared at the closed bathroom door and thought:
  10. Did I say something wrong?
  11. Was I not the first person to approach her that night? Were those who came before me less polite?
  12. Was she really "taking a dump?" If so why did she tell me that?
  13. Was it a bold new tactic? Had I witnessed the inaugural deployment of the Dump Neg?
  14. Was everything going okay in there? Did she need toilet paper? Did she have to use that horrible wet dirty hand towel that's always hanging in the bathroom at every house party?
  15. Did she think I was even like... a little cute?
  16. And then she walked out of the bathroom, big grin on her face, and said, "I'm just fucking with you." Then she took me by the hand and drove me to a meadow in her vintage VW Bus to catch lightning bugs in jars until sunrise.
  17. Not really. I literally never saw her again.
  18. ****SPECIAL UPDATE: I saw her this past weekend at a party. She no longer had bangs and looked miserable to be there****