Things I'd Say to the Dude Who Sent My Friend an Unsolicited Dick Pic

  1. Why?
  2. Seriously though, why?
  3. Was it requested?
  4. You know, did the recipient first say, "send me a picture of your penis?"
  5. No? Okay. Did you say, "I want to send you a picture of my penis," and did they respond, "okay, send me a picture of your penis?"
  6. They didn't? Hmmm...
  7. Were you sexting at the time? Sounds like you were sexting.
  8. No? Are you dating this person?
  9. You're not? Are you sleeping with this person?
  10. No? Have they seen your penis in person in any other prior context?
  11. No!? Wow, um. Okay. Okay. Are you flirtatious with this person?
  12. KIND OF!!!! Okay, now we're getting somewhere.
  13. Has this person expressed an interest in your penis before?
  14. "You hit on them at parties and they 'seem into it.'" How do they seem into it?
  15. "Just a vibe you get." Uh oh. Okay I'm getting a bad feeling about this. Let's see it.
  16. Show me the dick pic. This is important.
  17. Oh god. Oh no. You broke so many cardinal rules of Dick Pickery:
  18. Figure out the lighting. No one wants grainy low light front facing iPhone dong.
  19. A white undershirt? Woof.
  20. Your angle is not as deceptive as you think. You can't force perspective just like you can't force yourself on someone. Basic rules, bruh.
  21. You're fully hard, which, for a recipient who's never expressed an interest in your peen before, is a hostile act. Half chub maximum, and even then you're pushing it.
  22. Mostly head and partial shaft? What a waste of a dickpic-tunity. Full shaft or bust, m'dude. Gotta provide all the info.
  23. Her response was "whoa. okay"
  24. No punctuation?
  25. You're too far gone. My only advice: Throw your phone into a river and move to the woods. Glad I could help!