Top 5 Reasons Why I Could Never Date Mary

  1. 1) She owns a terrifying blanket that haunts me whenever i close my eyes.
  2. 2) She keeps pressing strange music, literature and list requests on me.
  3. 3) She a complete feminazi!
  4. 4) She beats all the hookers in my basement until they're unfit for sale.
  5. 5) She lives in New York...thats actually not an issue. That city fucking rocks. Just thinking about it lets me taste the malt vanilla flavour from shake shack. Oh my god I've actually got saliva down the front of my shirt...
  6. Its lists like this one that remind me of the most obvious reason she would never want to be with me: I'm sickeningly romantic.