My main dude Del is getting married today. As his best man, I have the honor of talking about our history and toasting the Bride & Groom. These are some Del memories that *won’t* be making it into my toast.
  1. Bringing his own garbage can into my room and shitting in it as a “prank.”
  2. Shitting in a ziplock bag, putting it in a FedEx envelope, and having it messengered to co-worker @kauffmania in another building.
  3. Cutting down a small tree and dragging it into the living room of our house.
  4. Shitting on the charcoal grill of a college friend who annoyed him.
  5. Covering himself in a blanket and knocking incessantly on my door at 3:30am. When I opened the door, insisting the blanket made him invisible.
  6. Quitting his job by leaving work to ride the Jurassic Park ride at Universal Studios.
  7. Shitting in a Solo cup and putting it under a roommate’s bed.
  8. Punching our roommate in the face and shouting “I’m trained to kill!”
  9. Getting arrested for writing insults about his friends (along with his website URL) on the walls of several Mount Pleasant bar bathrooms.
  10. Peeing off the roof of our house onto another guy’s head.