TIMES I DIED

  1. Sunday October 2nd, 1994
    We were going to visit my grandmother, and I'd wanted to take my Talkboy cassette recorder with me, to make a fake radio show. My Talkboy was broken, so I took my brother’s instead. When my brother realized what I’d done, we started arguing. With a snotty attitude, I proposed a weak solution: “Why don’t we just share it?” He shouted “Just take it!” and threw the Talkboy cassette recorder at my face from four feet away. It hit my nose just so that my septum shot up into my brain and I died.
  2. Tuesday July 6th, 1998
    At my parent's cottage in Lupton MI, my cousin borrowed my mom’s minivan so we could play miniature golf in town. We were all acting real silly, even stealing a stone beagle from the mini golf course. Driving down our dirt access road on our way back, I giggled opening the sliding van door, determined to cut through the woods, making it back to the cottage first. The ground was moving fast. I tripped, somehow falling backwards towards the van, and the back tire rolled over my head and I died.
  3. Monday November 29th, 1999
    We were all in Florida for a wedding. That Monday was a slow day at Universal Studios Theme Park, and we'd done all the cooler rides by noon. So our parents bought my cousin and I tickets to the neighboring “Islands of Adventure.” Probably because it was such a slow day, there weren’t any employees telling us how to get into the “logs” at Dudley Do-Right’s Ripsaw Falls. I must've gotten in it wrong. I was sliding out of my seat, and on the big climactic drop I flew out of my log, fell, and died.
  4. Friday June 11th, 2004
    Summers I would work as a manager at the Shores Theater. I hadn't eaten all day, when I noticed that Arby’s 5-for-5 deal was back on for a limited time. It was a tricky left-hand turn near a stop-light to get into the Arby’s, but luckily someone was making way for me, waving me in. I turned fast, knowing I needed to get the Arby’s Melts and get back to the theater. But there was another car zipping through the right-hand turn lane, a Dodge Daytona I think. Our cars smashed together and I died.
  5. Every time I've ever been in a three- or four-story indoor mall
    I've fallen off the top level and died.
  6. Saturday July 25th, 2015
    My buddy Del's wedding was on a Friday a few weeks ago, and he threw an additional concert party on Saturday at the American Legion Hall in Burbank. Our college friends Joy and Eric were in town and the three of us got dinner at Gordon Biersch on San Fernando, then started walking to the American Legion Hall. Along the narrow sidewalk on Olive Avenue, we crossed over the I-5 freeway. I peered over the short railing and lost my balance, falling onto the highway and died.